A Job for Life : Being a Mother

Hello Everyone, I have to start by apologising for being a bit late getting here, the past few weeks have been an endless round of domestic troubleshooting which, as you all know, is always time-consuming. I'd like to thank those of you who kindly got in touch to check on my wellbeing, thankfully, as I write today, my health is definitely less a source of concern. Obviously, with the ongoing tragic events in Ukraine, it might appear logical to share my thoughts on the conflict, but I honestly don't believe anyone could have any doubt about where I stand. With the relentless bombing of civilian targets, the growing refugee crisis, and the potential for Putin to escalate to even more deadly weapons, I'd find it hard for anyone to think he is - in any way- right. I should like to stress, I did mean to write his name and not Russia, as I don't believe the general population wants to be at war. It is a commonly known fact, state-controlled media is basically pedalling lie upon lie but hopefully, the Russian people will learn about all the atrocities committed on the orders of their leader and rise up against him.

But with all that said, as the UK's Mothering Sunday is fast approaching, I'd like to turn my attention to the true topic of today's post and that is motherhood. Now, before I get a tide of angry messages about the use of the word 'mother', let me make it abundantly clear, I have absolutely no intention of ever giving up the title and replacing it with something akin to 'birthing parent.' I fully support anyone and everyone who wishes to define themselves in any way they feel is right for them, how they identify to the world is entirely their business and I completely oppose any person or institution who attempts to take away their freedom to live in whichever way feels right for them, (obviously excluding those who wish to cause others harm). But, while those rights are being fiercely protected, the same rigour should be applied to everyone else especially mothers because without us, there would be no population at all! I find the term 'birthing parent' deeply offensive because as all mothers know, there is infinitely more to our role than simply producing a baby. Before I go on, I want to stress, I have total respect for fathers too, they have a unique role in their child's life which should also be gratefully acknowledged on a daily basis. But a recent case where someone in a maternity unit complained bitterly about the term 'mother', saying it was not only 'derogatory' but 'bordering on the offensive', it would appear it's time for us to stand up for ourselves.

I don't think anything really prepares you for motherhood, you can read all the books, you can seek out advice, and watch YouTube tutorials. But none of these reduce the shock when the enormity of what you've done, hits you, the first time you're first alone with your child. Speaking personally, I clearly remember looking down at my tiny daughter and thinking, "I don't know about you but I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing." As the weeks turned to months, it became glaringly obvious, my baby had not read all those parenting books which I had mistakenly believed would have all the answers. In the weeks leading up to her birth, I had spent many nights poring over the chapters about how easy it was to get your baby into a routine, the ease of maintaining all your hobbies, and socialising as you seamlessly combine all your activities. There were pictures of flawless mothers, playing tennis, attending yoga classes, etc while their cherubic baby was either grinning or sleeping soundly. I don't mean to appear blunt, but those books lied! Throughout the first two years of her life, I can state, I felt I had achieved greatness if I managed to leave the house with matching shoes. Even as an insomniac, the sleep deprivation started to play havoc with my ability to think or even form coherent sentences. Whole weeks would go by and I had absolutely no idea what day it was and was well aware, it didn't really matter as my priority was doing the best I could as a mother. But you know something? I would not have missed a single moment. I learned more in those first couple of years than I had ever done before, it's really that simple. It was a profoundly intense experience, as I saw parts of myself I had never believed existed. For example, I went from thinking I was woefully irresponsible, to knowing that was far from the truth, I discovered I could be resilient, capable, and resourceful while still maintaining my sense of humour and love of the ridiculous. In other words, I learned to be a typical mother, like all the others in the world. 

However, in the spirit of honesty, I must confess when my second child appeared, all my previous experiences did little to help me, as what you're not told, is no two babies are the same. So, when I tried to apply my 'wisdom' to the care of daughter number two, she paid little or no attention. She was the very definition of the term 'old soul', as with almost a world-weary expression she would watch me attempt to use all the previously failsafe tricks which had worked on her sister only to ultimately ignore me. It didn't take long for me to realise, I was starting from the beginning again and so that's exactly what I did and we both learned how our relationship was going to work. Again I can say without hesitation, for all the lessons my first child taught me, my second was more than her equal, particularly by making me appreciate the world in a completely new way.

When I look back to those early days, it's abundantly clear, I didn't fully understand becoming a mother would be a lifelong job. As if when my daughters grew up, I'd be able to sit down and say to myself, 'well they are on their way now and I can relax.' As we all know, that's a million miles away from the truth! As they reach each phase in their lives, you worry just as much, you want to stop anyone from hurting them and every tiny perceived injustice feels as if the law is nothing but a complete joke. Late at night, you lie awake wondering if they remembered their keys, if their friends are 'sensible' when it comes to staying safe, and worst of all, if they can get through an evening out without being confronted by some sleaze.  Both my daughters are adults and none of those worries have lessened over time. My hope for them to simply be happy is as strong today as it was on the day they were born.

I truly believe that's why the term 'mother' encompasses so much more than the dreaded 'birthing parent' phrase as it doesn't even come close to describing a lifetime of commitment. There is also an undisputed strength when mothers come together, so much legislation has been passed as a direct result of us uniting and demanding changes, especially when related to the care of children. Whichever country you might be from, I don't think there is a single politician- of any political party- who doesn't feel distinct anxiety when they hear a group of mothers is on the way to question a recent decision. As a side note, I think we need to stay united as our role, not only as mothers but as women, is being threatened more and more. In the name of 'inclusivity', our rights are being threatened by those with their own agenda and we need to protect ourselves while still being completely supportive of those who feel marginalised. It's a difficult balance but I do feel it's not only possible but necessary.

Finally, I want to take a moment to congratulate all the mothers who continually try to do their best, especially when they're faced with what can seem like insurmountable odds. However bad it seems, generations have gone before you and succeeded, so don't lose hope and feel their strength within you. Our world is fraught with difficulties and challenges but as long as there are mothers who are committed to their children's safety and happiness, we can not only survive but thrive.

Anyway, that's more than enough from me, so until the next time....

Take care out there xx