Accepting Fate
Well, my friends, I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season, whether this time has been to mark a moment in your religious faith or just to share a few days with your family - in my personal opinion, both are equally valid reasons for a celebration. I think every time a year comes to an end, most of us take time to look back to try and make some kind of summary of the time that's passed. Hopefully, for many of you, there have been some magical moments, maybe marriages, new babies, a much longed-for career change or maybe even an unexpected windfall. As most things in Life are about balance, there are probably some unhappy moments too, perhaps loss or period of illness have made certain months hard to survive. But, as those eternal optimists would say, the fact we are all still here at the end of it all, is a testament to our strength and we should look forward to the new year, with the knowledge, whatever is coming, we will get through it all.
As regular readers will know, I have spent much of 2017, fighting...it feels like its been an almost endless struggle just to be heard by those in power who can make a simple decision which would allow me to have a genuine chance of happiness. If the saying is true, about you having to keep knocking on the door, if you want it to open , then my knuckles must be bleeding by now..as I have been hammering at that door for months. Over recent days though, my attitude is starting to shift, some have said this drop in energy is down to my insomnia or stress, but I am starting to wonder if it's just down to my subconscious saying 'enough now, stop fighting and accept what's to come.'
Ironically, my last post to you all was about fighting for what you believe, despite my low mood, I still believe that, but even the greatest generals have had to surrender sometimes, when the odds were just stacked too high against them. So, is surrendering the same as quitting ? That's the question I am wrestling with now, by accepting you can't win, that it's time to stop..does that make you a quitter ? I just don't know, my friends, because that word means losing to me, it's like you just gave up and the reason for my particular 'fight' is too important, feels too vital to walk away from. But with that said, when you have tried everything, knocked at every possible door, is that when you have to be mature enough for acceptance ? I struggle with this idea because it suggests, our lives are not under our control, so to simply 'accept' Life has other plans for us all, doesn't seem particularly fair - especially when we have tried so hard to achieve something, which, it turns out, 'Life' knew all along, was never going to happen. I read somewhere, some ancient civilisations believed their gods were watching them and were, in a way, playing some vast chess game, with all of us being the pieces - so whether we survived or fell was solely down to them. If that's true, I can only guess, whoever is 'moving' me, has chosen to make a few sacrifices for the good of the team and is hoping I won't complain too much and just go gracefully.
If I sound overly-emotional, I make no apologies for it, because, as I am sure you understand, what it feels like to be forced to admit defeat when you have spent months believing you would win. As all of us are connected to others, it's the effect this 'failure' will have on those around me which makes this acceptance so much harder. I am sure you all have been in this situation within your own lives, when you know - without question- you've let special people down. I know I should be able to find a certain degree of contentment in the knowledge I know I have tried my best, but that's never really worked for me, generally, I have always been left with the belief, my 'best' just wasn't good enough.
So here I am, the year is coming to a close, the 'fight' is almost over so perhaps it's time to accept how things have turned out and simply surrender to Life. As I am writing this to you, I am reminded of an experience a long time ago, someone I loved very much, knew she was dying. She was an older lady, who had probably lived more in a day than most people do in a lifetime, she revelled in doing everything that society deemed 'wrong' and she did it all with a broad smile on her face. Anyway, it was obviously hard for me to accept she was, as I saw it, leaving the world, but she was quick to counter my anger at what seemed so unfair. She told me she had lived an amazing life, she had done pretty much everything she had wanted, yet her illness was now having 'the last laugh' and she accepted what was to come because she had no choice in the matter. Despite her illness, there were moments, when I could see the wonderful rebel in her, was still there, she couldn't win her 'fight', but she clearly intended to 'lose' with style.
At the moment, I am struggling to find my 'style', possibly because it's hidden under a whole heap of regrets and wishes I had somehow been 'better'..but as she could see it, I am hopeful it's in me somewhere.
I am truly sorry this post hasn't been liberally sprinkled with witty anecdotes and the occasional clever turn of phrase, but I have always been truthful when writing to you, and to make any attempt at humour would feel like a lie.
But I will not finish on a negative note, so I want to wish you every possible happiness for this new year, I hope its peppered with moments of pure joy and when things aren't so good, I hope you will always remember you have more strength than you believe. I wish you good health, good fortune and many good times with those you value the most. But, important as those things are, my main wish for you is to never forget, you're not alone - even when it feels as if you are - despite what the media might want us to believe, there are wonderful, caring people in the world, who take time away from their own lives to think of others. You might wonder how I can be so sure, well, for once, that's an easy question to answer, through writing to you all and knowing you're listening.
So enjoy the rest of this year, have a wonderful New Years' Eve, thank you for sharing 2017 with me and as always. much love to you all and...
Take care out there xx
As regular readers will know, I have spent much of 2017, fighting...it feels like its been an almost endless struggle just to be heard by those in power who can make a simple decision which would allow me to have a genuine chance of happiness. If the saying is true, about you having to keep knocking on the door, if you want it to open , then my knuckles must be bleeding by now..as I have been hammering at that door for months. Over recent days though, my attitude is starting to shift, some have said this drop in energy is down to my insomnia or stress, but I am starting to wonder if it's just down to my subconscious saying 'enough now, stop fighting and accept what's to come.'
Ironically, my last post to you all was about fighting for what you believe, despite my low mood, I still believe that, but even the greatest generals have had to surrender sometimes, when the odds were just stacked too high against them. So, is surrendering the same as quitting ? That's the question I am wrestling with now, by accepting you can't win, that it's time to stop..does that make you a quitter ? I just don't know, my friends, because that word means losing to me, it's like you just gave up and the reason for my particular 'fight' is too important, feels too vital to walk away from. But with that said, when you have tried everything, knocked at every possible door, is that when you have to be mature enough for acceptance ? I struggle with this idea because it suggests, our lives are not under our control, so to simply 'accept' Life has other plans for us all, doesn't seem particularly fair - especially when we have tried so hard to achieve something, which, it turns out, 'Life' knew all along, was never going to happen. I read somewhere, some ancient civilisations believed their gods were watching them and were, in a way, playing some vast chess game, with all of us being the pieces - so whether we survived or fell was solely down to them. If that's true, I can only guess, whoever is 'moving' me, has chosen to make a few sacrifices for the good of the team and is hoping I won't complain too much and just go gracefully.
If I sound overly-emotional, I make no apologies for it, because, as I am sure you understand, what it feels like to be forced to admit defeat when you have spent months believing you would win. As all of us are connected to others, it's the effect this 'failure' will have on those around me which makes this acceptance so much harder. I am sure you all have been in this situation within your own lives, when you know - without question- you've let special people down. I know I should be able to find a certain degree of contentment in the knowledge I know I have tried my best, but that's never really worked for me, generally, I have always been left with the belief, my 'best' just wasn't good enough.
So here I am, the year is coming to a close, the 'fight' is almost over so perhaps it's time to accept how things have turned out and simply surrender to Life. As I am writing this to you, I am reminded of an experience a long time ago, someone I loved very much, knew she was dying. She was an older lady, who had probably lived more in a day than most people do in a lifetime, she revelled in doing everything that society deemed 'wrong' and she did it all with a broad smile on her face. Anyway, it was obviously hard for me to accept she was, as I saw it, leaving the world, but she was quick to counter my anger at what seemed so unfair. She told me she had lived an amazing life, she had done pretty much everything she had wanted, yet her illness was now having 'the last laugh' and she accepted what was to come because she had no choice in the matter. Despite her illness, there were moments, when I could see the wonderful rebel in her, was still there, she couldn't win her 'fight', but she clearly intended to 'lose' with style.
At the moment, I am struggling to find my 'style', possibly because it's hidden under a whole heap of regrets and wishes I had somehow been 'better'..but as she could see it, I am hopeful it's in me somewhere.
I am truly sorry this post hasn't been liberally sprinkled with witty anecdotes and the occasional clever turn of phrase, but I have always been truthful when writing to you, and to make any attempt at humour would feel like a lie.
But I will not finish on a negative note, so I want to wish you every possible happiness for this new year, I hope its peppered with moments of pure joy and when things aren't so good, I hope you will always remember you have more strength than you believe. I wish you good health, good fortune and many good times with those you value the most. But, important as those things are, my main wish for you is to never forget, you're not alone - even when it feels as if you are - despite what the media might want us to believe, there are wonderful, caring people in the world, who take time away from their own lives to think of others. You might wonder how I can be so sure, well, for once, that's an easy question to answer, through writing to you all and knowing you're listening.
So enjoy the rest of this year, have a wonderful New Years' Eve, thank you for sharing 2017 with me and as always. much love to you all and...
Take care out there xx
