Sing out the old, bring in the new
Well, my friends, here we are at the start of another year...you may be wondering why it's taken me quite so long to get here...I just wanted to wait and see how we are all getting on with our New Year resolutions and whether 2018 has been completely different to 2017. See that's always been a bit of a problem for me, that purely on the basis of a date change, Life itself suddenly takes on a rosier glow. After all, surely once the last of the party poppers has banged and the last few mouthfuls of the turkey have been consumed, ( apologies if you're still working your way through your festive remains), it's just another day, another month, but with the added complication of having to remember to change the year when you write anything ! Now, I must quickly reassure you, this is not going to be an all 'doom and gloom' post, after all, I can proudly state, my resolutions lasted longer than normal..naturally, they're nothing but a distant and vaguely troubling memory now, but for a few hours, I was definitely exercising more and laying off fattening food !
I think that's the problem with making potentially life changing decisions while under the influence of alcohol or suffering the ill effects of stuffing yourself with goodies - it's easy then, isn't it ? You gaze down at your bloated stomach, you hear yourself wheezing as you struggle to the fridge and you decide - right there and then - this has got to stop ! So what do you do ? Well, you browse the Internet, possibly resting the laptop on the afore-mentioned stomach, and look for inspiration while nibbling on the last of the festive chocolate. At the beginning of January, there's a positive avalanche of fitness DVDs and fad diets for you to choose...you can work out or dance away those 'unsightly' pounds/kilos (although just a note to the people who write those descriptions, not terribly inspiring to remind your potential buyers they are unsightly, makes them reach for even more chocolate to stifle the misery brought about by the realisation not only are they the size of the average Orca, they're an ugly one). You watch the trailer for the DVD and at the very first glimpse of some gorgeous, skinny model/actress/singer, leaping around while yelling things like, 'feel your muscles loving you' or, for the more direct, 'push it', you know it's not for you and you switch off.
With the exercise regime firmly shelved, you turn your attention to dieting and what a rare cornucopia of delights ! Naturally, every one has a celebrity endorsing it (either knowingly or unknowingly), so you are promised, as an example, if you stick to this diet of one seed a day, as done by Beyoncé, Britney etc etc..within a month, you will have the body you have always wanted. I'm assuming, if this is true, I have always wanted a body which is lying in a hospital bed, wired up to several machines ! To my certain knowledge, this has never been my dream at all and I doubt, B & B ever did either - after all, I cannot even begin to guess how Ms Knowles would ever make it through the strenuous 'Single Ladies' dance routine, if she had nothing but a tiny seed's energy to keep her going !
But undaunted, you keep searching for 'your' diet, while having a sustaining cookie or three to keep you focused. There are SO MANY ! Some advocate eating anything you want until a certain time, when, it seems allegedly, your body will turn absolutely everything you've consumed into a form which can be expelled without leaving even the merest hint of a calorie. On hearing this news, you almost leap for joy, ( obviously you don't actually move because that would knock over the half-empty box of cookies) so it's more of a spiritual leap. But almost as soon as you have felt the joy, you read the rest of the diet, yes, it's true, you can eat anything you want but only between the hours of 3.15 a.m. and 3.30 a.m., the rest of the time you drink only water. With your hopes dashed, you return to your search, only sadly, you discover the cookies have all gone too - yes, my friends, Life can be cruel.
But you're made of stern stuff, so after making yourself a small snack (possibly some nachos smothered with cheese, which is okay because you have salsa dip so it's practically a salad), you look again. You wade your way through diets which promise inches will drop off you within moments, which, if you think about it, would be a bit yukky, after all, you would be forever vacuuming those discarded body parts. You try and make sense of diets which rely heavily on calculations, for someone who is as bad as I am at mathematics, these are always met with a 'that will be a no from me.' Finally, after being forced to accept, the ONLY way to get healthier is to exercise more and eat properly - it's this very realisation which reminds you, there's still some festive alcohol and yet more chocolate, so, as obviously waste is bad, you resolve to finish them off and then begin your new regime.
Under those circumstances, invariably, you discover there's more 'bad' food than you remembered, but having made this firm commitment to finish it all, you bravely go into battle...and it's hard, I know this, after all, so much of it wasn't meant to be eaten at the same time - let alone on the same plate ! You find yourself consuming bizarre combos, but fuelled by the alcohol, it all tastes delicious. Personally, there have been many glorious evenings when the Battle of the Leftovers has taken place, and, at the risk of sounding boastful, I have won many of them. Although, to be completely honest, I have been defeated in the past, generally by the hummus and crackers with pickle topping army, but, only when quite a feast went before.
So if you manage to still be functioning the next day, you go the shops to stock up for your new healthy lifestyle - and is there ANYTHING more depressing than that expedition ? I think not. You wander wistfully past the bakery department only to find yourself confronted by whole aisles crammed full of all your old friends - chips, chocolate, jam, cake but you have to ignore them all and head to fresh fruit. But that's not much better, as soon as I detect the merest hint of a strawberry, I'm thinking ice cream...raspberries equal cheesecake in my addled mind. So I buy grapes, after all, my 'sensible' voice assures me, eating a grape isn't so different to eating a square of chocolate. Naturally, when I try this theory at home, it turns out the two have nothing in common at all !
Having spent a small fortune on a healthy shopping spree, ( because it turn out, food that's 'bad' for you is also infinitely cheaper than the 'good' stuff), you go home and try to feel virtuous. For a few hours, you feel very proud of yourself, even to the point, of checking your reflection at bedtime and being absolutely certain you've lost a pound or two. But the next morning, suddenly the healthy option starts to suck...no more mid-morning muffin for you, oh no, you have few slices of apple and possibly a small banana. At lunchtime, things get worse, as you try and crunch your way through a 'superfood' salad which even the most ravenous rabbit would struggle to get down. By mid-afternoon, it feels like your whole body is united in screaming the word 'SUGAR', so you reach for the handful of almonds which will allegedly stem your cravings - but they don't work at all, they just get stuck in your teeth and make you even crankier. Finally, you have your evening meal at around 5.00 p.m. because you can't wait to eat any longer, in my experience, you do feel full after you've wolfed down your lightly-grilled chicken and vegetable selection...but not for long enough ! By around 8.00, you are searching frantically through the cupboards, hoping against hope, one biscuit, one square of chocolate escaped the purge....and if you find one...oh my friends, you literally weep with joy. Obviously having sampled the forbidden, it's a slippery slope back to your previous hedonistic existence - you will try again to be healthy, every new month will be 'the start' and two weeks later,well, you get the idea.
So are we weak ? Is that why resolutions are so hard ? I don't believe so, I just think, Life is a hard business and so we try and find respite and comfort wherever we can. I am not saying it's good to be unhealthy all the time, but I am equally sure, as the song goes, 'a little of what you fancy does you good.'
I guess it remains to be seen how we all get on this year, perhaps by December, we will all be completely gorgeous and running around with all the vitality of the average gazelle - but for me, as long as we are all still here, that will be more than enough.
Well, I had better get moving before I sink into the sofa completely and are lost forever...so, as always, until the next time...
Take care out there xx
I think that's the problem with making potentially life changing decisions while under the influence of alcohol or suffering the ill effects of stuffing yourself with goodies - it's easy then, isn't it ? You gaze down at your bloated stomach, you hear yourself wheezing as you struggle to the fridge and you decide - right there and then - this has got to stop ! So what do you do ? Well, you browse the Internet, possibly resting the laptop on the afore-mentioned stomach, and look for inspiration while nibbling on the last of the festive chocolate. At the beginning of January, there's a positive avalanche of fitness DVDs and fad diets for you to choose...you can work out or dance away those 'unsightly' pounds/kilos (although just a note to the people who write those descriptions, not terribly inspiring to remind your potential buyers they are unsightly, makes them reach for even more chocolate to stifle the misery brought about by the realisation not only are they the size of the average Orca, they're an ugly one). You watch the trailer for the DVD and at the very first glimpse of some gorgeous, skinny model/actress/singer, leaping around while yelling things like, 'feel your muscles loving you' or, for the more direct, 'push it', you know it's not for you and you switch off.
 |
| Before any animal lovers get in touch..I know Orcas are very lovely ! |
With the exercise regime firmly shelved, you turn your attention to dieting and what a rare cornucopia of delights ! Naturally, every one has a celebrity endorsing it (either knowingly or unknowingly), so you are promised, as an example, if you stick to this diet of one seed a day, as done by Beyoncé, Britney etc etc..within a month, you will have the body you have always wanted. I'm assuming, if this is true, I have always wanted a body which is lying in a hospital bed, wired up to several machines ! To my certain knowledge, this has never been my dream at all and I doubt, B & B ever did either - after all, I cannot even begin to guess how Ms Knowles would ever make it through the strenuous 'Single Ladies' dance routine, if she had nothing but a tiny seed's energy to keep her going !
But undaunted, you keep searching for 'your' diet, while having a sustaining cookie or three to keep you focused. There are SO MANY ! Some advocate eating anything you want until a certain time, when, it seems allegedly, your body will turn absolutely everything you've consumed into a form which can be expelled without leaving even the merest hint of a calorie. On hearing this news, you almost leap for joy, ( obviously you don't actually move because that would knock over the half-empty box of cookies) so it's more of a spiritual leap. But almost as soon as you have felt the joy, you read the rest of the diet, yes, it's true, you can eat anything you want but only between the hours of 3.15 a.m. and 3.30 a.m., the rest of the time you drink only water. With your hopes dashed, you return to your search, only sadly, you discover the cookies have all gone too - yes, my friends, Life can be cruel.
But you're made of stern stuff, so after making yourself a small snack (possibly some nachos smothered with cheese, which is okay because you have salsa dip so it's practically a salad), you look again. You wade your way through diets which promise inches will drop off you within moments, which, if you think about it, would be a bit yukky, after all, you would be forever vacuuming those discarded body parts. You try and make sense of diets which rely heavily on calculations, for someone who is as bad as I am at mathematics, these are always met with a 'that will be a no from me.' Finally, after being forced to accept, the ONLY way to get healthier is to exercise more and eat properly - it's this very realisation which reminds you, there's still some festive alcohol and yet more chocolate, so, as obviously waste is bad, you resolve to finish them off and then begin your new regime.
Under those circumstances, invariably, you discover there's more 'bad' food than you remembered, but having made this firm commitment to finish it all, you bravely go into battle...and it's hard, I know this, after all, so much of it wasn't meant to be eaten at the same time - let alone on the same plate ! You find yourself consuming bizarre combos, but fuelled by the alcohol, it all tastes delicious. Personally, there have been many glorious evenings when the Battle of the Leftovers has taken place, and, at the risk of sounding boastful, I have won many of them. Although, to be completely honest, I have been defeated in the past, generally by the hummus and crackers with pickle topping army, but, only when quite a feast went before.
So if you manage to still be functioning the next day, you go the shops to stock up for your new healthy lifestyle - and is there ANYTHING more depressing than that expedition ? I think not. You wander wistfully past the bakery department only to find yourself confronted by whole aisles crammed full of all your old friends - chips, chocolate, jam, cake but you have to ignore them all and head to fresh fruit. But that's not much better, as soon as I detect the merest hint of a strawberry, I'm thinking ice cream...raspberries equal cheesecake in my addled mind. So I buy grapes, after all, my 'sensible' voice assures me, eating a grape isn't so different to eating a square of chocolate. Naturally, when I try this theory at home, it turns out the two have nothing in common at all !
Having spent a small fortune on a healthy shopping spree, ( because it turn out, food that's 'bad' for you is also infinitely cheaper than the 'good' stuff), you go home and try to feel virtuous. For a few hours, you feel very proud of yourself, even to the point, of checking your reflection at bedtime and being absolutely certain you've lost a pound or two. But the next morning, suddenly the healthy option starts to suck...no more mid-morning muffin for you, oh no, you have few slices of apple and possibly a small banana. At lunchtime, things get worse, as you try and crunch your way through a 'superfood' salad which even the most ravenous rabbit would struggle to get down. By mid-afternoon, it feels like your whole body is united in screaming the word 'SUGAR', so you reach for the handful of almonds which will allegedly stem your cravings - but they don't work at all, they just get stuck in your teeth and make you even crankier. Finally, you have your evening meal at around 5.00 p.m. because you can't wait to eat any longer, in my experience, you do feel full after you've wolfed down your lightly-grilled chicken and vegetable selection...but not for long enough ! By around 8.00, you are searching frantically through the cupboards, hoping against hope, one biscuit, one square of chocolate escaped the purge....and if you find one...oh my friends, you literally weep with joy. Obviously having sampled the forbidden, it's a slippery slope back to your previous hedonistic existence - you will try again to be healthy, every new month will be 'the start' and two weeks later,well, you get the idea.
So are we weak ? Is that why resolutions are so hard ? I don't believe so, I just think, Life is a hard business and so we try and find respite and comfort wherever we can. I am not saying it's good to be unhealthy all the time, but I am equally sure, as the song goes, 'a little of what you fancy does you good.'
I guess it remains to be seen how we all get on this year, perhaps by December, we will all be completely gorgeous and running around with all the vitality of the average gazelle - but for me, as long as we are all still here, that will be more than enough.
Well, I had better get moving before I sink into the sofa completely and are lost forever...so, as always, until the next time...
Take care out there xx
