Take this cup away from me....
Well, another day dawns and, finally, another post begins....I know it's been perhaps too long, but things have been happening so fast in the 'real' world, it's been hard to find a corner of my addled brain which is calm enough to think and write. Oh and the title might seem a bit weird, but if you persevere and read on..it will make sense.
So what's been happening ? Well, as regular readers know, I've been wrestling with government agencies for months now, naturally, I want something ridiculously complicated - the right to work and live with my family. But, I've now been forced to accept, this particular dragon won't be slain, (at least, not by me) and it's time for me to retreat. The word 'heartbreaking' can be overused, but it's really the only one that applies, as, within only a couple of days, I have to get on a plane and fly away from almost everything that has any real meaning or possibility of a future. Like so many people, my life until now, has not been all sunshine and lollipops, in fact, there have been times when it's felt like walking up a steep hill of syrup in ice skates ! But the situation I am in now, is definitely one of the worst ! Ironically, the same government agency that's caused quite so much heartache, now seems to feel almost 'bad' and is doing it's best to offer some help, as they say in the U.S. - go figure ?!
You would hope my own country would offer welcoming arms to a returning citizen, but no, what awaits is several miles of red tape while being left potentially homeless. Apparently, I will have to do a test to prove I am actually a citizen, despite having been born, raised, worked and given birth within the borders - I can only hope now that I pass ! What will be asked ? What proof of my heritage will be required ? Who knows ? So having retreated from the clutches of a foreign dragon, I am to be confronted with another. What I find especially frustrating is when I hear the words 'it must be an awful situation for you', accompanied with a slight nod of the head and a rehearsed 'sympathetic' smile. Naturally, I want to scream back "SERIOUSLY !!!! You think being forced to leave any semblance of a secure family life in exchange for precisely nothing is 'awful' !" But I stay silent and wait for them to tell me, despite them thinking it's awful, they can do nothing to help.
Aside from....( yes I know I'm ranting but stick with me)....aside from the obvious issues with finding somewhere to stay, food, money etc, the emotional toll this whole sorry saga continues to take is nothing less than draining. All we insomniacs need, is a whole raft of new worries to keep us even more awake...I know everyone has problems, I also readily accept mine are no worse than many others have to face...but selfishly - as I type this - it does feel like the end of the world.
In one of my more despairing moments, for some unknown reason, I found myself on youtube and watched some of the 'Jesus Christ Superstar' musical. I haven't seen it in years, but almost as soon as the song 'Gethsemane' began, I found myself struggling not to just break down completely. You see, throughout this whole time, I have tried to be 'brave' especially as one of my daughters is also affected by what's happened. I have tried to reassure her, we will be fine, and, although we both know she isn't entirely convinced, the fact I can say it with a degree of conviction, may well offer her some comfort. But when I was watching the song, I was alone, so the need to be positive didn't exist and I could just give in to the tide of despair which is crashing against my mind for most of the time.
If you aren't familiar with the song, it's near the end of the musical, where Jesus is calling out to God..just to say here, even if you aren't even slightly religious, I would defy anyone not to be moved. For me, it was the lines,
"First I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired, take this cup away from me..."
He's asking not to have to go through with what's to come, which just sums up, how I am feeling too...so alongside the powerful performance, the words just hit home and reduced me to a wreck. As an aside, music has always had a profound effect on me, good and bad, so this was, I don't doubt, also a factor in my mini breakdown. When the performance was over, I sat, staring at the screen through a blurry haze of tears and insanity, I am sure many of you have had those kind of moments too. But however lost you feel, there's that tiny voice at the very back of your head, reminding you, you have to move, you have to switch off the laptop and think about getting on with the rest of the day. I have no shame admitting, I sometimes deeply resent that voice...like a petulant child, I want to say 'I don't want too ! I want to sit here and be sad !', but that's rarely an option really, when you have people relying on you to function.
So where does all this leave me ? Well, I have to leave, I have to look into much-loved eyes and say 'see you soon', before getting on a plane and flying around the world - how do you do that well ? I really have no idea at all, but, amidst the gloom, I know - beyond doubt- I will not be saying goodbye because low and defeated as I am now, I still have that small voice I mentioned, the one which will remind me, I have never had the sense to quit in the past, so there's no need to start now.
I'm not sure when I will be able to be back here, but I will get here when I can...until then, look after yourselves and know how thankful I am, you've read my posts and supported me. Oh and before I go, if you want to watch the video I mentioned, make sure it's the live version performed by Steve Balsamo..it's true, Ted Neeley in the movie was wonderful, but, as a lover of a live performance,in my opinion, Steve cannot be beaten.
Thank you again, love to you all and as always...
Take care out there xxx
So what's been happening ? Well, as regular readers know, I've been wrestling with government agencies for months now, naturally, I want something ridiculously complicated - the right to work and live with my family. But, I've now been forced to accept, this particular dragon won't be slain, (at least, not by me) and it's time for me to retreat. The word 'heartbreaking' can be overused, but it's really the only one that applies, as, within only a couple of days, I have to get on a plane and fly away from almost everything that has any real meaning or possibility of a future. Like so many people, my life until now, has not been all sunshine and lollipops, in fact, there have been times when it's felt like walking up a steep hill of syrup in ice skates ! But the situation I am in now, is definitely one of the worst ! Ironically, the same government agency that's caused quite so much heartache, now seems to feel almost 'bad' and is doing it's best to offer some help, as they say in the U.S. - go figure ?!
You would hope my own country would offer welcoming arms to a returning citizen, but no, what awaits is several miles of red tape while being left potentially homeless. Apparently, I will have to do a test to prove I am actually a citizen, despite having been born, raised, worked and given birth within the borders - I can only hope now that I pass ! What will be asked ? What proof of my heritage will be required ? Who knows ? So having retreated from the clutches of a foreign dragon, I am to be confronted with another. What I find especially frustrating is when I hear the words 'it must be an awful situation for you', accompanied with a slight nod of the head and a rehearsed 'sympathetic' smile. Naturally, I want to scream back "SERIOUSLY !!!! You think being forced to leave any semblance of a secure family life in exchange for precisely nothing is 'awful' !" But I stay silent and wait for them to tell me, despite them thinking it's awful, they can do nothing to help.
Aside from....( yes I know I'm ranting but stick with me)....aside from the obvious issues with finding somewhere to stay, food, money etc, the emotional toll this whole sorry saga continues to take is nothing less than draining. All we insomniacs need, is a whole raft of new worries to keep us even more awake...I know everyone has problems, I also readily accept mine are no worse than many others have to face...but selfishly - as I type this - it does feel like the end of the world.
In one of my more despairing moments, for some unknown reason, I found myself on youtube and watched some of the 'Jesus Christ Superstar' musical. I haven't seen it in years, but almost as soon as the song 'Gethsemane' began, I found myself struggling not to just break down completely. You see, throughout this whole time, I have tried to be 'brave' especially as one of my daughters is also affected by what's happened. I have tried to reassure her, we will be fine, and, although we both know she isn't entirely convinced, the fact I can say it with a degree of conviction, may well offer her some comfort. But when I was watching the song, I was alone, so the need to be positive didn't exist and I could just give in to the tide of despair which is crashing against my mind for most of the time.
If you aren't familiar with the song, it's near the end of the musical, where Jesus is calling out to God..just to say here, even if you aren't even slightly religious, I would defy anyone not to be moved. For me, it was the lines,
"First I was inspired, now I'm sad and tired, take this cup away from me..."
He's asking not to have to go through with what's to come, which just sums up, how I am feeling too...so alongside the powerful performance, the words just hit home and reduced me to a wreck. As an aside, music has always had a profound effect on me, good and bad, so this was, I don't doubt, also a factor in my mini breakdown. When the performance was over, I sat, staring at the screen through a blurry haze of tears and insanity, I am sure many of you have had those kind of moments too. But however lost you feel, there's that tiny voice at the very back of your head, reminding you, you have to move, you have to switch off the laptop and think about getting on with the rest of the day. I have no shame admitting, I sometimes deeply resent that voice...like a petulant child, I want to say 'I don't want too ! I want to sit here and be sad !', but that's rarely an option really, when you have people relying on you to function.
So where does all this leave me ? Well, I have to leave, I have to look into much-loved eyes and say 'see you soon', before getting on a plane and flying around the world - how do you do that well ? I really have no idea at all, but, amidst the gloom, I know - beyond doubt- I will not be saying goodbye because low and defeated as I am now, I still have that small voice I mentioned, the one which will remind me, I have never had the sense to quit in the past, so there's no need to start now.
I'm not sure when I will be able to be back here, but I will get here when I can...until then, look after yourselves and know how thankful I am, you've read my posts and supported me. Oh and before I go, if you want to watch the video I mentioned, make sure it's the live version performed by Steve Balsamo..it's true, Ted Neeley in the movie was wonderful, but, as a lover of a live performance,in my opinion, Steve cannot be beaten.
Thank you again, love to you all and as always...
Take care out there xxx
