Shared Responsibilty
Before you say anything, I know I have been away for perhaps a bit too long and I am sorry for that..a lot has been happening, including moving house and - as always - negotiating with government authorities. But neither of these are the subject of today's post..no in fact, surprisingly, ( as one who doesn't have a religious faith), these words were inspired by a conversation with a young priest.He was writing a sermon about his parishioners' responsibility to God, how they were quick to ask for His help when they were in need but perhaps were a bit lax on a day-to-day basis, when it came to their duty to Him. ( I should stress at this point, I am using the capital 'H' out of respect for those who have a faith).
As he talked, it got me thinking about our relationships, I wondered, do we expect one partner to be more responsible for the success or failure than the other ? As a parent, when my children were young, it was solely my job to keep them safe, warm and fed..they had nothing more to do, than not draw on the walls and try to understand the bath water was supposed to stay in the bath- however much fun it was to splash ! But as they have got older, I think I have hoped they would feel a degree of responsibility for how our relationship would inevitably change...I don't believe this has been entirely successful all the time, ( after all, we are only human) but hopefully, for most of it. As a daughter myself, looking back, I know I didn't always carry my share of the weight particularly well - far too often I blamed my parents for things which, quite honestly, I should have accepted my part with infinitely more grace than I did at the time,
As for the romantic relationships in my life ? Well, after some recent conversations, I can now see, I have perhaps tried too hard to take all the responsibility for making it work...I have spent so many sleepless nights wishing I was somehow 'better' because obviously, the fact my ex partner was unhappy, was undoubtedly my fault. I wish I knew where this idea had begun, but even after a lot of therapy over the years, I am still no nearer knowing. I know I still feel as if somehow I should be doing 'more' and having spoken to other women, although I accept men might well feel the same way, this is not uncommon. It's as if we have some kind of ideal standard and we are all trying to reach it - even though it might well be impossible. After all nobody can make someone else happy...they can try to create a good environment but our happiness is really our own responsibility. Equally, as the saying goes, we are only treated as badly as we allow someone to treat us...speaking from personal experience, I know that's easier said than done. When you're in the grip of an abusive relationship, it's way too easy to feel you somehow 'deserve' what's being done to you, your self-esteem falls so far, you really cannot believe what's happening isn't your 'fault'. I wish I could have seen, I was being handed all of the responsibility for the relationship..when it failed, it was down to me, when there was anger, that too was the result of my actions...hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it ? I could have saved myself from so much heartache if I had realised this earlier.
So back to the priest and his sermon, if you take the faith element out of his words, I think we are all guilty of wanting someone else to carry the load for us, after all, it's easier...because should it go wrong, we can say, 'well, it wasn't my fault.' Equally, perhaps we do ask too much of each other..and this is something I am going to try and be a lot more mindful about in the future. It's true, my life has been far from easy over these past six months, I have faced challenges which did seem way beyond me...it would be easy to blame authority figures, or government legislation...but is it really their fault ? Have I always spoken with respect to them ? No..I have been frustrated and angry..that got me nowhere. But since trying to be more aware of the fact, we have a relationship, I now speak a little more gently and lo and behold..they have responded far more positively.
How to end today's post ? Well, perhaps we are all guilty of seeing the world as how it directly affects us...instead of remembering, we are all in this together, we share the responsibility for the success or failure in our lives and the planet as a whole....again I am sorry for not being here more, hopefully, this is the last absence for a while and we can share more thoughts...until then..
Take care out there xxx
As he talked, it got me thinking about our relationships, I wondered, do we expect one partner to be more responsible for the success or failure than the other ? As a parent, when my children were young, it was solely my job to keep them safe, warm and fed..they had nothing more to do, than not draw on the walls and try to understand the bath water was supposed to stay in the bath- however much fun it was to splash ! But as they have got older, I think I have hoped they would feel a degree of responsibility for how our relationship would inevitably change...I don't believe this has been entirely successful all the time, ( after all, we are only human) but hopefully, for most of it. As a daughter myself, looking back, I know I didn't always carry my share of the weight particularly well - far too often I blamed my parents for things which, quite honestly, I should have accepted my part with infinitely more grace than I did at the time,
As for the romantic relationships in my life ? Well, after some recent conversations, I can now see, I have perhaps tried too hard to take all the responsibility for making it work...I have spent so many sleepless nights wishing I was somehow 'better' because obviously, the fact my ex partner was unhappy, was undoubtedly my fault. I wish I knew where this idea had begun, but even after a lot of therapy over the years, I am still no nearer knowing. I know I still feel as if somehow I should be doing 'more' and having spoken to other women, although I accept men might well feel the same way, this is not uncommon. It's as if we have some kind of ideal standard and we are all trying to reach it - even though it might well be impossible. After all nobody can make someone else happy...they can try to create a good environment but our happiness is really our own responsibility. Equally, as the saying goes, we are only treated as badly as we allow someone to treat us...speaking from personal experience, I know that's easier said than done. When you're in the grip of an abusive relationship, it's way too easy to feel you somehow 'deserve' what's being done to you, your self-esteem falls so far, you really cannot believe what's happening isn't your 'fault'. I wish I could have seen, I was being handed all of the responsibility for the relationship..when it failed, it was down to me, when there was anger, that too was the result of my actions...hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it ? I could have saved myself from so much heartache if I had realised this earlier.
So back to the priest and his sermon, if you take the faith element out of his words, I think we are all guilty of wanting someone else to carry the load for us, after all, it's easier...because should it go wrong, we can say, 'well, it wasn't my fault.' Equally, perhaps we do ask too much of each other..and this is something I am going to try and be a lot more mindful about in the future. It's true, my life has been far from easy over these past six months, I have faced challenges which did seem way beyond me...it would be easy to blame authority figures, or government legislation...but is it really their fault ? Have I always spoken with respect to them ? No..I have been frustrated and angry..that got me nowhere. But since trying to be more aware of the fact, we have a relationship, I now speak a little more gently and lo and behold..they have responded far more positively.
How to end today's post ? Well, perhaps we are all guilty of seeing the world as how it directly affects us...instead of remembering, we are all in this together, we share the responsibility for the success or failure in our lives and the planet as a whole....again I am sorry for not being here more, hopefully, this is the last absence for a while and we can share more thoughts...until then..
Take care out there xxx
