The Volcano Within
Good morning Everyone, I hope you are all safe and well, for most of us, it's almost impossible to remember what day it is, as we've been in lockdown for just that long. I don't know about you, but each day seems to feel like a week, when it comes to time and it's proving harder to try and keep a rein on feelings - this should explain the title of this post -it seems my reins have temporarily snapped and now, my emotions are all over the place which is why I am writing this today. Now, it might well seem as if this post is basically a long rant at the world, or, a web of tangled emotional outbursts which make little sense- both of those are completely fair descriptions of what's to come, so you have been warned. But I genuinely feel, if I don't write this all down, what's left of my sanity will finally disappear, so if you're not up for listening, that's absolutely fine....but if you do stick with me, please try and understand.....
Before this whole COVID-19 experience appeared, I had an aspiration, I wanted to try and be a professional author. For nearly all of my life since becoming a parent, I have always tried to put my children's needs first, I haven't always succeeded, but I did try. So, like millions of other parents, my own life quickly took second place to helping them grow- I look back and see hundreds of PTA meetings, school sports days, hours spent poring over homework, sleepless nights nursing them through illness or nightmares, hosting birthday parties etc etc and I can truthfully say, I don't hold even the slightest drop of resentment for coming second to them. But, at the same time, when things did seem overwhelming, I reassured myself, when my children had grown, I could inhabit the top spot in my own life again. So, at the end of 2019, I had published some books which had been well received and it seemed after over 20 years of coming second, 2020 was my year to come first. I was wrong. After making numerous plans to achieve the writing dream, the Coronavirus landed and subsequently, all the hope, the bright future ahead was plunged into darkness. Now, before I carry on, I fully appreciate many people must have had their share of crushing disappointment since the pandemic began, but, for just this post, I can only focus on my own experience. Speaking personally, it feels a bit like, I was driving along with my glowing future ahead of me and as I was almost there, Life appeared and slammed into me and now, there is just wreckage and I don't have even the beginning of an idea as to how to repair the damage.
As regular readers will know, I was diagnosed with severe depression a long time ago, for the most part, I can take steps to avoid the worst reactions when it hits, but all those coping mechanisms are failing and its hard to keep going. Aside from the obvious debilitating effects of poor mental health, do you want to know the worst part? It's being told I am a 'strong' person, who apparently is resilient and can take any number of knocks and keep going- those sentiments cause an almost volcanic level of unreasonable rage to start to surge within me. On the rare occasions I have tried to explain how low I'm feeling, there are usually two unwelcome responses :
1) "I know exactly how you feel, I've been suffering myself..." this is opening statement is always followed by a lengthy monologue of all the recent trials and tribulations they have been through. They become so engrossed in retelling their own life, they completely forget I ever mentioned I was struggling and I swiftly slip from the role of the 'troubled' one into being their therapist. After over an hour of listening to them, invariably they will cheerily thank me for 'being there' and say goodbye ! Leaving me feeling no better than I had when I'd first made the call.
2) "Well, you're such a strong person, I know you can get through anything..." When I hear this phrase I just want to scream, "WHY???? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING ? WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" But, of course, I say none of those things, instead, I just thank them, usually adding, "let's hope you're right."
In the spirit of fairness, there are people who do listen, but when the depression is this bad, it feels as if I am speaking from such a long way away from them, it's like shouting into an endless abyss.
The truth is, owing to how my life has gone, I suppose there is an argument for saying I'm a strong person, but that strength has usually been forged when circumstances don't allow for too much procrastination. As examples, when I was forced into homelessness, when there was no money in the bank and no food in the fridge, when I lost someone who was a crucial part of my life-it's true to say, I have risen to these challenges, but not through any kind of courage, more out of necessity, when inaction would only make a bad situation infinitely worse. I think it's fair to say, this is more being practical than having any kind of strength.
I know I am far from unique, when I say, I believe my life has not been an easy one. I carry the scars of several battles to this day - some have largely healed now, whereas others are still just too painful for me to even acknowledge their existence. Oh I know they're there, I just have no desire to open the Pandora's Box in my mind which is their home.
As I type this today, even though the sun is streaming in through the window, the sense of overwhelming sadness is everywhere. But inside me, there's a volcano bubbling just under the surface and it's becoming harder and harder to ignore. It's at times like these I wonder if it helps having some kind of religious faith, after all, to be able to communicate with some higher power might well be beneficial. After all, if you could ask 'someone' why your life has gone the way it has, or better yet, sincerely believe there's some plan, and all you have to do is believe they know best and it will all make sense in the end-perhaps that would make it easier. But as I don't have such a belief, I am left with my volcano and the deeply-rooted need to just scream at the injustice of it all. Why did everything I worked so hard to achieve have to be taken away ? Why do I have to live without the people I need most ? Why can't I have just the tiniest glimpse of hope that the future holds something worth staying for ? And, at the risk of sounding even more 'bratty', why me ? In the grand scheme of things, I don't really want very much, but to have nothing? How can I keep going?
See? I am not strong at all because if I was, I wouldn't feel this hopeless and lost. Too much has been taken from me and it feels as if nothing has been given. Maybe I was a fool to have dreams, to believe, if you worked hard enough, you could achieve anything- who knows ? All I can do, is take one day at a time and try not to fall into a deep emotional hole which, I can assure you, is far harder than you might imagine. The truly scary part, is realising just how welcoming the idea of lasting darkness can be when you're this near the edge. But, for today, it's a welcome I'm choosing not to accept.
My friends, I can only apologise if this post has brought your own mood down, that was not my intention, but I hope you understand, this little blog is really like a diary for me and so, a place for simple honesty when it feels there's nowhere else to go.
Anyway, I wish you all well, I hope the doors which are keeping you trapped are soon flung open again and you can experience the pure joy of freedom once more. Please, until that day dawns, stay very safe, share as much love as possible for both yourself and each other....until the next time...
Take care out there xxxx
Before this whole COVID-19 experience appeared, I had an aspiration, I wanted to try and be a professional author. For nearly all of my life since becoming a parent, I have always tried to put my children's needs first, I haven't always succeeded, but I did try. So, like millions of other parents, my own life quickly took second place to helping them grow- I look back and see hundreds of PTA meetings, school sports days, hours spent poring over homework, sleepless nights nursing them through illness or nightmares, hosting birthday parties etc etc and I can truthfully say, I don't hold even the slightest drop of resentment for coming second to them. But, at the same time, when things did seem overwhelming, I reassured myself, when my children had grown, I could inhabit the top spot in my own life again. So, at the end of 2019, I had published some books which had been well received and it seemed after over 20 years of coming second, 2020 was my year to come first. I was wrong. After making numerous plans to achieve the writing dream, the Coronavirus landed and subsequently, all the hope, the bright future ahead was plunged into darkness. Now, before I carry on, I fully appreciate many people must have had their share of crushing disappointment since the pandemic began, but, for just this post, I can only focus on my own experience. Speaking personally, it feels a bit like, I was driving along with my glowing future ahead of me and as I was almost there, Life appeared and slammed into me and now, there is just wreckage and I don't have even the beginning of an idea as to how to repair the damage.
As regular readers will know, I was diagnosed with severe depression a long time ago, for the most part, I can take steps to avoid the worst reactions when it hits, but all those coping mechanisms are failing and its hard to keep going. Aside from the obvious debilitating effects of poor mental health, do you want to know the worst part? It's being told I am a 'strong' person, who apparently is resilient and can take any number of knocks and keep going- those sentiments cause an almost volcanic level of unreasonable rage to start to surge within me. On the rare occasions I have tried to explain how low I'm feeling, there are usually two unwelcome responses :
1) "I know exactly how you feel, I've been suffering myself..." this is opening statement is always followed by a lengthy monologue of all the recent trials and tribulations they have been through. They become so engrossed in retelling their own life, they completely forget I ever mentioned I was struggling and I swiftly slip from the role of the 'troubled' one into being their therapist. After over an hour of listening to them, invariably they will cheerily thank me for 'being there' and say goodbye ! Leaving me feeling no better than I had when I'd first made the call.
2) "Well, you're such a strong person, I know you can get through anything..." When I hear this phrase I just want to scream, "WHY???? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING ? WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" But, of course, I say none of those things, instead, I just thank them, usually adding, "let's hope you're right."
In the spirit of fairness, there are people who do listen, but when the depression is this bad, it feels as if I am speaking from such a long way away from them, it's like shouting into an endless abyss.
The truth is, owing to how my life has gone, I suppose there is an argument for saying I'm a strong person, but that strength has usually been forged when circumstances don't allow for too much procrastination. As examples, when I was forced into homelessness, when there was no money in the bank and no food in the fridge, when I lost someone who was a crucial part of my life-it's true to say, I have risen to these challenges, but not through any kind of courage, more out of necessity, when inaction would only make a bad situation infinitely worse. I think it's fair to say, this is more being practical than having any kind of strength.
I know I am far from unique, when I say, I believe my life has not been an easy one. I carry the scars of several battles to this day - some have largely healed now, whereas others are still just too painful for me to even acknowledge their existence. Oh I know they're there, I just have no desire to open the Pandora's Box in my mind which is their home.
As I type this today, even though the sun is streaming in through the window, the sense of overwhelming sadness is everywhere. But inside me, there's a volcano bubbling just under the surface and it's becoming harder and harder to ignore. It's at times like these I wonder if it helps having some kind of religious faith, after all, to be able to communicate with some higher power might well be beneficial. After all, if you could ask 'someone' why your life has gone the way it has, or better yet, sincerely believe there's some plan, and all you have to do is believe they know best and it will all make sense in the end-perhaps that would make it easier. But as I don't have such a belief, I am left with my volcano and the deeply-rooted need to just scream at the injustice of it all. Why did everything I worked so hard to achieve have to be taken away ? Why do I have to live without the people I need most ? Why can't I have just the tiniest glimpse of hope that the future holds something worth staying for ? And, at the risk of sounding even more 'bratty', why me ? In the grand scheme of things, I don't really want very much, but to have nothing? How can I keep going?
See? I am not strong at all because if I was, I wouldn't feel this hopeless and lost. Too much has been taken from me and it feels as if nothing has been given. Maybe I was a fool to have dreams, to believe, if you worked hard enough, you could achieve anything- who knows ? All I can do, is take one day at a time and try not to fall into a deep emotional hole which, I can assure you, is far harder than you might imagine. The truly scary part, is realising just how welcoming the idea of lasting darkness can be when you're this near the edge. But, for today, it's a welcome I'm choosing not to accept.
My friends, I can only apologise if this post has brought your own mood down, that was not my intention, but I hope you understand, this little blog is really like a diary for me and so, a place for simple honesty when it feels there's nowhere else to go.
Anyway, I wish you all well, I hope the doors which are keeping you trapped are soon flung open again and you can experience the pure joy of freedom once more. Please, until that day dawns, stay very safe, share as much love as possible for both yourself and each other....until the next time...
Take care out there xxxx
