Beyond Your Control

 Hello Everyone, thank you again for taking the time to read and I'm sorry it's been too long between posts. As a UK citizen, the struggles against COVID don't seem to be getting any easier, especially as while I'm writing this today, we are in the middle of another lockdown. I don't mind admitting, like millions of others, I find it increasingly difficult not having any control of my own life. So much that I took for granted, being able to work, putting food on the table etc has now become a daily issue rather than something as predictable as the sun rising in the morning. In many ways, (and I am well aware I am far from alone in this feeling), I feel increasingly powerless.

I think when we think of being 'powerful', we often associate the word with those in government, people with a global influence or unimaginable wealth. Obviously they do hold a kind of power, but that's not really what I'm talking about today. I am more concerned with feeling as if you're in control of your own life, you're free to make choices and decisions which will hopefully make your life better in some way. In my own life, I have been fortunate to have known a few times when it felt I literally had the Midas touch, where anything and everything went exactly how I'd wanted. It's a wonderful experience to have known that feeling, you see, for me, that was powerful - to have that level of control. However, like so many millions of other people, I have also known what it is to feel the direct opposite.

Being powerless in your own life is draining and can obviously deliver heavy blows to self esteem and confidence. That feeling you are nothing more than a reluctant participant in your own existence, so quickly brings a tide of emotions of depression and hopelessness. It can feel as if you'll never be in control again. There are so many reasons this can happen and I am not even going to try and list them all, I think we can all agree, each individual life is unique so I can only really tell you of my own experience.

This is true but far from easy to always believe

I know, I have felt incredibly powerless at many stages throughout my life, especially when faced with what seems like impossible odds. I am aware, in part, this feeling comes from the underlying depression which has been with me for most of my adult life. But there have been other times too, as an example, when dealing with many official organisations - particularly government bodies. I cannot tell you how many times I have begun conversations with officialdom and felt as if they were either deliberately not hearing me or were sticking rigidly to some kind of strict script. I am sure many of you have felt the same way ! It doesn't matter how you phrase your request, argument or explanation, the response is practically robotic. However many times you utter the phrase, 'I don't have the money so can I arrange a payment plan?' , they answer, ' the full amount is due, so can I take your card details?'  I am ashamed to admit to you, there have been times when the conversation has gone around in the same circle for so long, I have hung up and thrown my phone in frustration.

But away from the more practical aspects of feeling powerless, for me, the worst is brought by being trapped in emotions from the past. We can feel as if it's impossible to move on, as if whatever happened back then, has released none of its grip on our lives now. Sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you talk it through or try to rationalise, it can feel almost impossible to take control of the whirlwind of emotions the past can whip up inside you. For what it's worth, I don't believe it is impossible, but it takes good therapy and time to even begin to take back the power, past events have taken from you. I have felt powerless, I know what it's like to feel 'small' in your own life and perhaps that, in part, is why I am struggling now.

Earlier I mentioned things we can take for granted, I have no hesitation in saying, enjoying reasonably good health has undoubtedly leapt up the list of priorities. Despite a few underlying, relatively minor issues, I had the mistaken belief I was unstoppable, as if I had complete control over my own body- I was wrong about that too. In the past, I had a woefully cavalier attitude to my health, convinced throwing down a few painkillers combined with 'not giving into it' would ensure I would glide effortlessly over any possible illness. I know that sounds really arrogant, but I promise you, it was really just plain stupid most of the time. On more than one occasion, I unnecessarily ended up in hospital, seriously ill, simply because I had ignored all the earlier signs, something was wrong.

Finally, I have felt powerless within some relationships, I know, I have been dominated by others, in too many ways to mention here. It's hard to truly accept, those who profess to love you, can be the very same people who make you feel completely powerless. The people who should be protecting you from harm, sometimes can inflict the most lasting and severe damage. Even if their physical presence in your life was years ago, their influence can linger. I think, speaking for myself, to be able to regain lasting power over that influence, would be the most worthwhile achievement of my life.

As I like to end on a positive note, I was recently told, we have the power within ourselves, to bring about change and resolution. I genuinely hope, if you're feeling powerless right now, you'll find that belief to be true. I know it can feel as if it's lost, but I am going to believe it can be found again- so if I promise not to stop looking, you have to try too.

Look after yourselves, I'm sending you all so much love and until the next time,

Take very good care out there xxx