Losing Focus

Hello Everyone, I hope you're all doing really well even though, I am well aware, so many nations are still struggling to contain the ever-changing variants of COVID. I know much of the Southern Hemisphere is back in lockdown, while here in the North, it's talk of booster shots and the endless 'to mask or not to mask' debate. We can only hope that somehow, it will be possible to really move forward with all our lives and this virus will just be something we can live with, much like influenza. I should also like to thank those of you who kindly got in touch to ask how I'm doing, as there has been a bit of a gap between posts. As I know I've done before, I thought I might write to you all as a more effective way of answering your questions, I do find that works best- mainly because it makes me write more concisely which obviously means I get to the point much quicker. So without further delay, here we go...

Well, as you may remember, I was pretty sick back in March and since then, my life has become increasingly about getting healthy and achieving a level of fitness. I have gone through countless blood tests,  occasionally walked around with a blood pressure cuff on my arm for 12 hours a day and have been downing various daily medications with almost military precision.

Obviously my diet has changed completely which has meant all those favourites have been consigned to the past. Now I drink so much water per day, I'm often convinced I can hear it all sloshing around inside me! So, in a nutshell, this is my life and although I'm obviously very thankful to still be alive, the enforced rigidity and denial have proved very hard to maintain. I'm frequently reminded how much good this is all doing, but it doesn't feel that way. Only the other day, I realised I have done almost nothing creative for some months now - oh I have tried, I even wrote several thousand words of a new story and promptly deleted them all. Although I am reliably informed, all these changes are making a physical, positive impact, my mental health feels as if it is rapidly falling behind.

The only way I can describe it, is to say it feels as if my brain is stuck in thick, wet mud and however much I try and pull it free, I sink further and further down. Even my much-loved social media has become a casualty, after all, when I know how many are struggling with their own issues, it seems beyond selfish to start droning on - yet again- about my own problems. It's strange and a bit frightening, how quickly we can descend into such a 'lost' state, don't you think? I briefly visited Facebook and saw my memories come up, they were filled with humour and glorious innuendo- I found myself wondering, what happened to her? That woman with my name who was so full of life, hope and had such a positive take on life. I can only assume, she got lost somehow and I know I've talked about this loss of identity before, but it's more profound now than it has ever been in the past. Where there once was a 'can do' attitude, has been replaced with someone who has days filled with when meds need to be taken, how many steps need to be walked and endlessly checking the dates for the next doctor's appointment.

I know I'm whining and I do sincerely apologise for writing such a gloomy post, but this has always been a place where I am completely honest with you all - to be anything else makes the whole thing pretty pointless.

I have been asked what do I think I need to do, to change how things are- the truth is, I really don't know. Obviously, it wasn't so long ago, like many others, I had a wealth of plans for my future- these have mostly been abandoned, thanks to the pandemic. I know the UK government talks a great deal about all the freedom we have here, but the truth is, somewhat different. Travelling anywhere is - at best- a risky business with rules still not always entirely clear. The idea of some kind of COVID passport system seems to pop up every so often, which allegedly will mean if you're double vaccinated and can prove it, you'll be able to go just about anywhere. But if you dare consider looking at the world at large, there are numerous tests to undergo before you even think about setting foot on a plane and there's the added 'thrill'(??) of not knowing  if you'll either be denied an opportunity to return to the UK after your trip or the country you visit will keep you there when they close the borders! So bearing all this in mind, it's an odd kind of freedom really.

I know I am also restricted by my own health, at least for now and so the feeling of being trapped in this endless groundhog day existence, is probably at the root of my problems. Now I know there will be people who read this who will kindly suggest reading a book or making myself be active because, they will rightly say, it's down to me to get myself out of the mental 'mud.' Obviously, they'd be right but, at the moment, doing even the smallest things feel like mammoth tasks- not to mention, the added complication of feeling as if I'm constantly checking the time to see if I should be popping a pill or drinking yet more water.

I have even seriously considered ending this blog, but having managed to maintain it for so many years, it does seem a shame to throw it away now- so it's staying until I either have something better as a replacement or it becomes clear, I have nothing left to say.

So, I have just quickly checked back and I believe I have answered all the enquiries and hopefully, you all have a better idea about how things have been. By the way, before I go, I have had one person contact me to ask my feelings on the situation in Afghanistan, they expressed a hope I would write a post on the subject. Regular readers know, I almost never get involved in politics and so the rights and wrongs of the involvement of certain nations in the conflict, is not a topic I feel qualified to discuss with any authority. However, I don't think anyone could fail to be moved by the desperate plight of those Afghan people who want to leave their country because of their fears for how the new administration will enforce its power. So, all I will say, is I sincerely hope, humanitarian aid is provided, whether that's relocating some of the population to new nations or simply making every effort to ensure their ongoing safety. It seems an extremely volatile situation within the country, we can only hope, some kind of peace can be restored soon and, for many years to come, the Afghan people will feel genuinely supported by the wider global community.

Anyway, as always, please look after yourselves, thank you so much for all your kind words and I really appreciate your patience with me...until next time..

Take care out there xx