Changing Minds

Hello Everyone, hopefully you are all doing well, and life feels as if it's heading in the right direction. It's been a strange time here at chez Turner and so, it's been difficult to find the words to talk but now, I feel as if I can make some kind of sense of it all.

For those amongst you who either have mental health issues yourself or have friends and family who face the challenges, I believe you will understand. However, I should add, even if you haven't been officially diagnosed, most people will have no problem in being able to put themselves in my situation. So, without further delay, perhaps it's best if I just explain...

I have made no secret of my own struggles with chronic depression; it has been a part of my life for more years than I care to remember. When it starts to take over, I can only describe it as feeling like a thick black liquid is being slowly poured over my mind, slowly suffocating the ability to think positively about anything. Everything that normally gives me a positive outlook is deliberately smothered only to be replaced with an awful nothingness, where even achieving the most basic tasks takes a huge amount of effort. Over the years, I have tried various forms of counselling, medications etc and although some have offered temporary relief, it seems the depression invariably comes back stronger and seeps its way into the forefront of my mind.

Now, I know there are some, who, (in my view) mistakenly believe that anyone who follows an artistic path is somehow 'helped' by having some kind of mental health issue. Many times, people have suggested that it provides a 'unique insight' or some kind of deeper understanding. Speaking only for myself, I don't believe this to be true. During the worst episodes, even opening the laptop feels difficult, so any hope of actually creating a story is completely impossible. I cannot tell you how often I have stared at a blank screen and been acutely aware, there isn't a single word in my head. I have also seen mental health issues being almost romanticised, endless shots of someone wistfully gazing out of a rain-spattered window just before they start frantically scribbling their masterpiece. Perhaps that is accurate for some but, it really isn't the case for me or thousands of others. I have also sadly witnessed, during a very brief period on TikTok, that it has become almost obligatory to say you have some kind of mental health issue. As if being considered 'healthy' is the absolute worst thing that can happen! More than once I witnessed people self-diagnosing themselves with not only anxiety or depression but raising the stakes to, amongst others, schizophrenia and autism. Obviously, I'm very much in favour for people to reach out to others who genuinely have these issues, but to 'fake' them seems to take the need for attention to a whole new level. My sadness came from wishing, they didn't view mental health as a way of appearing 'interesting' and instead could believe their intrinsic value was in just being themselves.

In my own experience, I can assure you, there is nothing romantic or glamorous about struggling to even get out of bed to wash, to get dressed and remember to eat. It's debilitating and even worse if you do manage to set foot outside the door. Walking along, you see people, and it's like they are all at a party to which you are not invited. You feel removed, as if watching from the wrong side of a glass wall, detached from everything they seem to have but feels like, will never happen for you. It would be easy to suggest, when I'm in those situations, it's not depression at all, just resentment or even jealousy- again, I would have to disagree. I can honestly say, even though I feel isolated from the world around me, I can still appreciate the happiness and love I see others enjoying- sometimes it even helps to remind me that the world isn't as dark as I believe.

So, for these past weeks, I have been struggling with all of these feelings, overwhelmed by such an intense wave, it has felt like I was drowning in a malicious swamp. Ironically, this started at a time when I should have been feeling incredibly positive. As I've done in the past, I made the 'Within' series temporarily free in honour of Pride month, which went really well, and I've just released my latest novel. So, you would imagine, I'd be feeling enthusiastic and happy, yet finding any kind of joy is proving to be elusive. In truth, more than once I have come dangerously close to completely deleting the new novel, and only participated in the Pride month promotion owing to a long-standing promise.

Whether this negativity comes from a lack of self-belief, confidence in my own ability, I really cannot answer. The fact I am able to sit and type this today does feel like a small step, and so to those of you who reached out to ask if I was okay, you have my sincere thanks as it was my loyalty to you, that made me try. I don't know if any of this makes any real sense, but I hope amongst it all, I have managed to convey something worthwhile.

Finally, from the very first days of this blog, I have been so blessed by people sharing their thoughts with me, and so I'm acutely aware, many of you face your own daily struggles and believe me, I am so moved to hear your stories. We are all just trying to get through life and maybe by telling what it's really like to have depression or, in fact, any mental health issue, some minds might be changed about how they are perceived. 

As always, I wish you all well, I hope if you are in any kind of darkness, you'll find a light to guide your way through...just take it one step at a time, okay? And all being well, we will meet at the other side.

Take very good care out there xxx