The Loneliness of always Being 'Right'
Welcome back, I hope the sun is shining on you, wherever you might be as you read this post..oh and before I go on, thank you so much for all the wonderful messages, it's always lovely to hear your thoughts and although we don't always agree, you do give me plenty to think about... so what's on my mind today ? Well, here's a quote from the wonderful book by Roald Dahl 'Matilda' which will give you a hint...
“I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.”
― Roald Dahl, Matilda
Now this is said by the fearsome principal of Matilda's school, Miss Trunchbull, ( wonderfully played in the movie by the talented British character actress Pam Ferris, a must-see film if ever there was one). Now, it is true, Miss T is a bully of the very worst kind but in these few words, she does express the truth about how we can all be at times..and that's really the topic of the day.
There is something about reaching adulthood, which sometimes does make us believe somehow we 'know' best, it's as if the very fact we have existed that long means we have accumulated all the knowledge anyone needs to lead rich and successful lives. I am as guilty of this as anyone else, I hear myself saying things now that used to cause me to groan when my parents uttered the same sentiments,
" When you've lived as long as I have..."
"You don't get to my age without learning anything.."
and my personal favourite...
"I don't want you making the same mistakes I did."
Now that last one might not seem such a bad idea.but the truth is, I had a great time making those very mistakes and yet I am now hellbent on making sure my children don't take any risks at all - not very fair really, is it ? It's a bit like that quote from 'Finding Nemo', the one about not wanting anything to happen to my children, which in turn means nothing will ever happen to them.
Sadly, the worst part of being convinced you're 'right', is it can make you ridiculously stubborn and so, even when you know it would make more sense to just try and reconcile your differences, you doggedly stick to your guns and invariably miss out. I had a difficult relationship with my mother, who was always convinced she was 'right.' She raised me to have opinions, so, in turn, I was equally sure I was 'right' when we invariably argued. We would stand face-to-face, exchanging a heady mix of sarcasm, scathing criticism and a few well-placed comments designed to hit the weakness of the other - it was not pretty. Sooner or later, I would storm out of the room, knowing I was beaten yet slamming the door in one last protest at what I saw was her intransigence. Such was the force of our conviction we were in the 'right', days would pass when we didn't even acknowledge the other - this became weeks which eventually turned into months. Throughout that time, I have absolutely no doubt, we both missed the other...speaking personally, I can admit there were many days when I needed her wisdom or wanted to share one of my childrens' achievements, but I could not. I would reach for the phone but then the 'I'm not going to admit I was wrong' gene would kick in and I would turn away. As a result, there were many occasions we could have shared but we did not and I have to say, its one of my few real regrets.
I guess it's true, when you have lived a few years, you do accumulate knowledge and experience, there's no question you would be failing as a parent if you didn't try and pass some of that on to your children, but it's how it's done, don't you think ? I am far from perfect, but I do try and listen to my children first when they ask for my opinion, rather than just override them with my own thoughts. I don't always succeed, sometimes they come up with ideas which seem to me, to be bordering on ludicrous - but, I've learned, it's not especially helpful to say so ! So now, I try to offer suggestions and hope they find something worthwhile within them.
Missing out on any part of my childrens' lives would be the worst for me, even though they are now grown women, I want them to always know they can come to me - for all my glaring faults, I don't want to repeat the mistake my mother made with me. I have tried to be honest with them, they know I have done some pretty stupid things in my life, for me, it shows them I am human and not some kind of all-knowing deity who has never screwed up at all ! I've always believed this 'human' element has made me more approachable - you see, they know I am not always 'right' and I can live with that, rather than losing them because I believed I always knew best.
Life is about taking risks and making mistakes..it's about falling over and knowing someone is there to pick you up - it's not about being right all the time. When I had that fight with my mother, I was 100% convinced of my 'rightness' and yet I was wrong really, I could have acted with more grace and respect. I could have put my point across without anger, without resentment and without the sarcasm and who knows ? She might have eventually seen my point of view. Equally, she could have not seen herself as knowing more than me and perhaps been more open to another way of looking at things.
Thankfully, we did manage to come to a kind of peaceful time before she died and that brings me to my last point. It was easy to be angry with her when she was alive, but none of us live forever and I am so relieved we did talk before she made that final exit. I know I would have been unbelievably sad to have parted company with her without reaching some kind of reconciliation. Sadly,as we all know, very few of us know when it will be our turn to wave goodbye to this life and move on to whatever happens next - with that in mind, perhaps we all need to be more mindful of how limited our time is to sort out our differences. Being 'right' when the other one isn't there any more, seems a bit pointless, don't you think ?
Anyway, try and find time to watch 'Matilda', like many films which are allegedly for children, there's much for adults to learn too - after all, who wants to be a Miss Trunchbull ? Until the next time....
Take care out there xx
“I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.”
― Roald Dahl, Matilda
Now this is said by the fearsome principal of Matilda's school, Miss Trunchbull, ( wonderfully played in the movie by the talented British character actress Pam Ferris, a must-see film if ever there was one). Now, it is true, Miss T is a bully of the very worst kind but in these few words, she does express the truth about how we can all be at times..and that's really the topic of the day.
There is something about reaching adulthood, which sometimes does make us believe somehow we 'know' best, it's as if the very fact we have existed that long means we have accumulated all the knowledge anyone needs to lead rich and successful lives. I am as guilty of this as anyone else, I hear myself saying things now that used to cause me to groan when my parents uttered the same sentiments,
" When you've lived as long as I have..."
"You don't get to my age without learning anything.."
and my personal favourite...
"I don't want you making the same mistakes I did."
Now that last one might not seem such a bad idea.but the truth is, I had a great time making those very mistakes and yet I am now hellbent on making sure my children don't take any risks at all - not very fair really, is it ? It's a bit like that quote from 'Finding Nemo', the one about not wanting anything to happen to my children, which in turn means nothing will ever happen to them.
Sadly, the worst part of being convinced you're 'right', is it can make you ridiculously stubborn and so, even when you know it would make more sense to just try and reconcile your differences, you doggedly stick to your guns and invariably miss out. I had a difficult relationship with my mother, who was always convinced she was 'right.' She raised me to have opinions, so, in turn, I was equally sure I was 'right' when we invariably argued. We would stand face-to-face, exchanging a heady mix of sarcasm, scathing criticism and a few well-placed comments designed to hit the weakness of the other - it was not pretty. Sooner or later, I would storm out of the room, knowing I was beaten yet slamming the door in one last protest at what I saw was her intransigence. Such was the force of our conviction we were in the 'right', days would pass when we didn't even acknowledge the other - this became weeks which eventually turned into months. Throughout that time, I have absolutely no doubt, we both missed the other...speaking personally, I can admit there were many days when I needed her wisdom or wanted to share one of my childrens' achievements, but I could not. I would reach for the phone but then the 'I'm not going to admit I was wrong' gene would kick in and I would turn away. As a result, there were many occasions we could have shared but we did not and I have to say, its one of my few real regrets.
I guess it's true, when you have lived a few years, you do accumulate knowledge and experience, there's no question you would be failing as a parent if you didn't try and pass some of that on to your children, but it's how it's done, don't you think ? I am far from perfect, but I do try and listen to my children first when they ask for my opinion, rather than just override them with my own thoughts. I don't always succeed, sometimes they come up with ideas which seem to me, to be bordering on ludicrous - but, I've learned, it's not especially helpful to say so ! So now, I try to offer suggestions and hope they find something worthwhile within them.
Missing out on any part of my childrens' lives would be the worst for me, even though they are now grown women, I want them to always know they can come to me - for all my glaring faults, I don't want to repeat the mistake my mother made with me. I have tried to be honest with them, they know I have done some pretty stupid things in my life, for me, it shows them I am human and not some kind of all-knowing deity who has never screwed up at all ! I've always believed this 'human' element has made me more approachable - you see, they know I am not always 'right' and I can live with that, rather than losing them because I believed I always knew best.
Life is about taking risks and making mistakes..it's about falling over and knowing someone is there to pick you up - it's not about being right all the time. When I had that fight with my mother, I was 100% convinced of my 'rightness' and yet I was wrong really, I could have acted with more grace and respect. I could have put my point across without anger, without resentment and without the sarcasm and who knows ? She might have eventually seen my point of view. Equally, she could have not seen herself as knowing more than me and perhaps been more open to another way of looking at things.
Thankfully, we did manage to come to a kind of peaceful time before she died and that brings me to my last point. It was easy to be angry with her when she was alive, but none of us live forever and I am so relieved we did talk before she made that final exit. I know I would have been unbelievably sad to have parted company with her without reaching some kind of reconciliation. Sadly,as we all know, very few of us know when it will be our turn to wave goodbye to this life and move on to whatever happens next - with that in mind, perhaps we all need to be more mindful of how limited our time is to sort out our differences. Being 'right' when the other one isn't there any more, seems a bit pointless, don't you think ?
Anyway, try and find time to watch 'Matilda', like many films which are allegedly for children, there's much for adults to learn too - after all, who wants to be a Miss Trunchbull ? Until the next time....
Take care out there xx
