Nothing worse than being taken for Granted
Well, my friends, you could have been forgiven for thinking I had forgotten I even had a blog ! But the simple truth is, my life took such a swift downturn at the beginning of February, it's taken until now to finally find some kind of balance - which although temporary, is very welcome. As some of you may know, I was given little or no choice but to return to my 'home' country after officials representing my actual home decided enough was enough and put me on a plane. I should explain, although it's true, I was born in the country I am now in, I feel it is arguable to say, my real home is with my family.
The politics of it all is not something worth going into, but suffice to say, my daughter and I were put on a plane and sent back to a mere seven days of safe accommodation, before I was allegedly going to be able, to not only secure a new home, but a job and a healthy bank balance. I don't feel it takes much explanation to say, this proposition was nothing less than ludicrous...I am all for, giving yourself a challenge in Life, but this was always going to be impossible. So when we arrived at our bare but thankfully warm hotel room, we looked at each other with a mixture of dismay and total concern. As instructed, the next day we set off to the local authority housing department, only to be told, there was nothing they could do as we had been out of the country, which somehow, ( and don't ask me to explain it), as we had lived abroad, we were no longer considered our own nationality any more. However, gloomy as the predictions were, of our future being spent on the streets by day and in a night shelter - if we were lucky- to sleep, we sought out advice from other sources.
After a long, fruitless day, we returned to the hotel room, hungry and tired, as sadly, we had almost no money and what we had, we decided to budget as we had no idea when more might appear. As my daughter slept, I spent the night in total despair, asking myself those kind of questions which you don't have any idea how to answer,
"How did this happen ?"
"What the hell am I going to do ?"
"Am I really strong enough to get through this mess ?"
The following morning, we set off again, trying to ignore the delicious aromas emanating from the hotel restaurant. After an extraordinarily helpful and sympathetic conversation shared at the local Citizens Advice Branch, we headed to a homeless charity and made an appointment for the following day. Bizarrely, the fact we seemed to have made some progress, made us feel almost reckless and giddy, as we walked along the seafront even the weak winter sunshine seemed to feel somehow warmer.
Foolishly, I had tried reassuring my partner back at home, everything was fine, but they knew better and sent money for us..this act alone just added to the excitement as we bought sandwiches, drinks and chocolate. Once back at the hotel, we laid the feast out on the bed and ate as slowly as possible, both of us trying to make every last mouthful last. After a sleepless night, again my mind fraught with the 'what ifs' that can haunt us all when things are difficult, we went to the appointment, where we were met by an extremely capable woman who agreed our situation was bad, but quickly adding, it could be saved.
As we left, my grown up daughter turned to me, suddenly her actual age seemed irrelevant, as she looked around six years old as she asked if I thought it was all going to work out. As we parents do, I reassured her, everything has a way of working out and so she was not to worry. Sadly, over the next few days, it was clear even though she had wanted to believe me, her body was all too aware of the reality and signs of stress broke out in too many ways to mention.
As the end of our seven days loomed, despite their best efforts, it did seem as if we were destined for the streets. I have no shame in admitting, I spent one night on the bathroom floor with a box of sleeping pills in my hand. I can say, my friends, even though I have struggled with depression in the past, the overwhelming sense of grief, hopelessness and plain fear for the future, was a low I did not know existed. I felt such failure, guilt and the profound knowledge, my daughter was going to be in a nightmare situation and it would be my fault. As I sat there, I started to think of my partner, how when I had left, I'd promised to come back - could I break that now ? I thought of friends who had shared their difficult times with me, how I had been so sure, all they had to do was hang on and things would turn around eventually - could I now leave them ? But obviously, most of all, I thought of my daughter - could I really knowingly leave her to what was to come ? Alone ?
After another hour or so, I put the pills away and went back to bed, deciding whatever was going to happen, I had an obligation to those I loved, to see it through. As so often in Life, the next day, we were given a lifeline by the extraordinary generosity of a dear friend and so our hotel stay was extended, which bought us more time to find some kind of solution. My partner sent us money so we could buy food and friends rallied to help, words of constant support and reassurance kept our spirits from sinking too low.
What happened next is for the next post, but I want to end this one by explaining the meaning of the title. Before all this happened, I was used to living what might be considered a 'normal' life, I had a job, a home, there was food in the cupboards and warm, safe beds for us all. It took no more than a couple of decisions made by a faceless authority, for all those things to be lost. I have wondered if maybe I had to live through this current experience, so I would value them more when they were returned to me...if that's the case, it's a very hard lesson to be taught and a harsh one. But perhaps, as they say, you have to truly understand the lows, so you genuinely appreciate the highs - believe me, I completely get the full meaning of that expression.
Despite everything, I know I am fortunate, I am blessed with sharing my life with some amazing people, who, I know, will never allow us to fall - thankfully, I have never been foolish enough to take that fact for granted and I never will. Life can seem unfair, harsh and feel like nothing more than some godawful emotional obstacle course - I think I have learned that's true, but when you have people alongside you, you will make it to the end in triumph.
Until the next time....as always,
Take care out there xx
The politics of it all is not something worth going into, but suffice to say, my daughter and I were put on a plane and sent back to a mere seven days of safe accommodation, before I was allegedly going to be able, to not only secure a new home, but a job and a healthy bank balance. I don't feel it takes much explanation to say, this proposition was nothing less than ludicrous...I am all for, giving yourself a challenge in Life, but this was always going to be impossible. So when we arrived at our bare but thankfully warm hotel room, we looked at each other with a mixture of dismay and total concern. As instructed, the next day we set off to the local authority housing department, only to be told, there was nothing they could do as we had been out of the country, which somehow, ( and don't ask me to explain it), as we had lived abroad, we were no longer considered our own nationality any more. However, gloomy as the predictions were, of our future being spent on the streets by day and in a night shelter - if we were lucky- to sleep, we sought out advice from other sources.
After a long, fruitless day, we returned to the hotel room, hungry and tired, as sadly, we had almost no money and what we had, we decided to budget as we had no idea when more might appear. As my daughter slept, I spent the night in total despair, asking myself those kind of questions which you don't have any idea how to answer,
"How did this happen ?"
"What the hell am I going to do ?"
"Am I really strong enough to get through this mess ?"
The following morning, we set off again, trying to ignore the delicious aromas emanating from the hotel restaurant. After an extraordinarily helpful and sympathetic conversation shared at the local Citizens Advice Branch, we headed to a homeless charity and made an appointment for the following day. Bizarrely, the fact we seemed to have made some progress, made us feel almost reckless and giddy, as we walked along the seafront even the weak winter sunshine seemed to feel somehow warmer.
Foolishly, I had tried reassuring my partner back at home, everything was fine, but they knew better and sent money for us..this act alone just added to the excitement as we bought sandwiches, drinks and chocolate. Once back at the hotel, we laid the feast out on the bed and ate as slowly as possible, both of us trying to make every last mouthful last. After a sleepless night, again my mind fraught with the 'what ifs' that can haunt us all when things are difficult, we went to the appointment, where we were met by an extremely capable woman who agreed our situation was bad, but quickly adding, it could be saved.
As we left, my grown up daughter turned to me, suddenly her actual age seemed irrelevant, as she looked around six years old as she asked if I thought it was all going to work out. As we parents do, I reassured her, everything has a way of working out and so she was not to worry. Sadly, over the next few days, it was clear even though she had wanted to believe me, her body was all too aware of the reality and signs of stress broke out in too many ways to mention.
As the end of our seven days loomed, despite their best efforts, it did seem as if we were destined for the streets. I have no shame in admitting, I spent one night on the bathroom floor with a box of sleeping pills in my hand. I can say, my friends, even though I have struggled with depression in the past, the overwhelming sense of grief, hopelessness and plain fear for the future, was a low I did not know existed. I felt such failure, guilt and the profound knowledge, my daughter was going to be in a nightmare situation and it would be my fault. As I sat there, I started to think of my partner, how when I had left, I'd promised to come back - could I break that now ? I thought of friends who had shared their difficult times with me, how I had been so sure, all they had to do was hang on and things would turn around eventually - could I now leave them ? But obviously, most of all, I thought of my daughter - could I really knowingly leave her to what was to come ? Alone ?
After another hour or so, I put the pills away and went back to bed, deciding whatever was going to happen, I had an obligation to those I loved, to see it through. As so often in Life, the next day, we were given a lifeline by the extraordinary generosity of a dear friend and so our hotel stay was extended, which bought us more time to find some kind of solution. My partner sent us money so we could buy food and friends rallied to help, words of constant support and reassurance kept our spirits from sinking too low.
What happened next is for the next post, but I want to end this one by explaining the meaning of the title. Before all this happened, I was used to living what might be considered a 'normal' life, I had a job, a home, there was food in the cupboards and warm, safe beds for us all. It took no more than a couple of decisions made by a faceless authority, for all those things to be lost. I have wondered if maybe I had to live through this current experience, so I would value them more when they were returned to me...if that's the case, it's a very hard lesson to be taught and a harsh one. But perhaps, as they say, you have to truly understand the lows, so you genuinely appreciate the highs - believe me, I completely get the full meaning of that expression.
Despite everything, I know I am fortunate, I am blessed with sharing my life with some amazing people, who, I know, will never allow us to fall - thankfully, I have never been foolish enough to take that fact for granted and I never will. Life can seem unfair, harsh and feel like nothing more than some godawful emotional obstacle course - I think I have learned that's true, but when you have people alongside you, you will make it to the end in triumph.
Until the next time....as always,
Take care out there xx
