Repetitive Strain
Well, my friends, a new week begins and undoubtedly, a few challenges lie ahead for us all - hopefully minor ones. I think many of us might hope we could have a 'peaceful' time, where the days flow seamlessly from one to the next, without any dramas happening at all - I know I do. My life feels as if it could out-drama the average soap opera, it's all been there, love, loss, highs, lows and, thankfully, even a few moments where laughter has defined the day...I've often felt all our lives contain similar ingredients, they just happen in a different order. Although I could probably argue, quite a large number of the 'episodes' that have happened in my own life, were not the result of my own actions..there are most definitely some which are entirely my own responsibility and these are generally the ones, where I have expected a different result than my own history. I think what I mean is, that saying about, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome is a sign of madness....and oh yes, my friends, there has been way too much 'madness.'
Let me explain....
When I was really quite young, rightly or wrongly, I decided what my 'role' in life was which, to be fair to 'past me', was pretty much determined by my parents. I was the youngest of their children, I had the whole 'curls and dimples' thing and I went to dancing school. So, in their eyes, (or at least this is what I believed), that was who I was...and so desperate not to disappoint, that was what I tried to be. As I grew older, I grew increasingly frustrated with being 'her', I wanted to be considered intelligent, with valid opinions and the potential to be respected...this did not happen, I was often reminded what I was 'good' at and so to stick to that - not what I wanted at all ! Ironically, when I grew too old ( approximately 12 years old), my alleged cuteness had gone, leaving my mother to say, on one occasion, '..look at how much you've grown, what are we going to do with you now ?' I felt a pang of total failure, those few words, which I may well have taken in a way which wasn't meant, defined the next few years. I came to the conclusion, if I wasn't what they wanted, I would be everything they hated - I don't know what I thought that would achieve, but it certainly didn't result in my desire to be respected.
Oddly enough, quite a large chunk of my 'rebellion' was to prove I was more than a 'pretty face', so although school work did not come easily to me, I worked hard, determined to pass every exam, because then they would have to see me in a different way. Obviously with the benefit of hindsight, what I was really hoping for was to achieve their approval. After a searingly tough exam period, we all waited for my results to arrive in the mail..my parents clearly not expecting very much as they often reassured me, in what felt like a patronising tone..'not to worry because they knew I had tried.' So can you imagine my excitement when I ripped open the envelope to see a whole bunch of 'A's and B's ? Triumphant, I showed them, sure in the knowledge they would abandon their previous view of me and see who I believed I really was - they didn't....instead they just said 'well done' and added the exams were obviously not as hard as they once were..I was crushed.
I spent a fair few of the following years, trying to earn their approval..I don't know why really...in a way, it seemed a bit sad, I was trying to still make them see there was more than the 'curls and dimples' even though they were long gone. I was almost lemming-like, racing towards the cliff edge, knowing I would fall and yet running any way. Sadly, it took my father's sudden death, for my mother to start to see who I really was..as, owing to her understandable grief, she found herself relying on me and I didn't fail her.
I can also look back and see I made the same mistakes within my personal relationships too, I would almost fall over myself to be what 'they' wanted rather than trusting anyone to like me for who I was underneath..the 'real' me. I would stay quiet rather than argue, again, I worked hard at being the girlfriend and later the wife...but what I became wasn't the respected, calm woman I had hoped, no I became a doormat. Thankfully, as I matured and definitely when I became a mother, I stopped allowing people to walk on me quite so often.
It's perhaps a sad fact of life, but I think we all hope for different outcomes when we behave the same way over and over again...it has taken me many years to finally find my true voice, ( you can't argue as obviously you're reading these very words). But for years my life could be described as a woman putting coins into a car parking meter and expecting a chocolate bar to appear !
Having thought about it, I am left wondering why..why do we do it ? Why do we expect respect from someone who is never going to give it ? And moreover, someone who clearly has a distorted view of us in the first place. We may as well expect a blind person to see us clearly..it's never going to happen and yet there we are, waving and hoping. It would be way too simplistic, to just lay the blame for my own particular lemming, on my parents..it's true they didn't help in some ways, but it was my choice to keep trying even when I knew I would fail. Sometimes, I think we just have to get to the point where we accept, it's never going to happen and move on, as what really matters, is how we see ourselves. I think if you can look in the mirror, (I am not talking about body image here), and see someone who is trying their utmost to be a good person, who strives to work hard and value those around them...whatever someone else might think shouldn't matter quite so much.
I can freely accept, I behaved like the poor lemming too many times...it's arguable, I still do in certain areas of my life, but at least now, I am not surprised when the inevitable happens and fortunately, as often as I've fallen off the cliff, I have climbed back up again.
Well, that's enough from me, I'm sure...so have a good week, thank you for the very kind messages and as always,
Take care out there xx
Let me explain....
When I was really quite young, rightly or wrongly, I decided what my 'role' in life was which, to be fair to 'past me', was pretty much determined by my parents. I was the youngest of their children, I had the whole 'curls and dimples' thing and I went to dancing school. So, in their eyes, (or at least this is what I believed), that was who I was...and so desperate not to disappoint, that was what I tried to be. As I grew older, I grew increasingly frustrated with being 'her', I wanted to be considered intelligent, with valid opinions and the potential to be respected...this did not happen, I was often reminded what I was 'good' at and so to stick to that - not what I wanted at all ! Ironically, when I grew too old ( approximately 12 years old), my alleged cuteness had gone, leaving my mother to say, on one occasion, '..look at how much you've grown, what are we going to do with you now ?' I felt a pang of total failure, those few words, which I may well have taken in a way which wasn't meant, defined the next few years. I came to the conclusion, if I wasn't what they wanted, I would be everything they hated - I don't know what I thought that would achieve, but it certainly didn't result in my desire to be respected.
Oddly enough, quite a large chunk of my 'rebellion' was to prove I was more than a 'pretty face', so although school work did not come easily to me, I worked hard, determined to pass every exam, because then they would have to see me in a different way. Obviously with the benefit of hindsight, what I was really hoping for was to achieve their approval. After a searingly tough exam period, we all waited for my results to arrive in the mail..my parents clearly not expecting very much as they often reassured me, in what felt like a patronising tone..'not to worry because they knew I had tried.' So can you imagine my excitement when I ripped open the envelope to see a whole bunch of 'A's and B's ? Triumphant, I showed them, sure in the knowledge they would abandon their previous view of me and see who I believed I really was - they didn't....instead they just said 'well done' and added the exams were obviously not as hard as they once were..I was crushed.
I spent a fair few of the following years, trying to earn their approval..I don't know why really...in a way, it seemed a bit sad, I was trying to still make them see there was more than the 'curls and dimples' even though they were long gone. I was almost lemming-like, racing towards the cliff edge, knowing I would fall and yet running any way. Sadly, it took my father's sudden death, for my mother to start to see who I really was..as, owing to her understandable grief, she found herself relying on me and I didn't fail her.
It's perhaps a sad fact of life, but I think we all hope for different outcomes when we behave the same way over and over again...it has taken me many years to finally find my true voice, ( you can't argue as obviously you're reading these very words). But for years my life could be described as a woman putting coins into a car parking meter and expecting a chocolate bar to appear !
Having thought about it, I am left wondering why..why do we do it ? Why do we expect respect from someone who is never going to give it ? And moreover, someone who clearly has a distorted view of us in the first place. We may as well expect a blind person to see us clearly..it's never going to happen and yet there we are, waving and hoping. It would be way too simplistic, to just lay the blame for my own particular lemming, on my parents..it's true they didn't help in some ways, but it was my choice to keep trying even when I knew I would fail. Sometimes, I think we just have to get to the point where we accept, it's never going to happen and move on, as what really matters, is how we see ourselves. I think if you can look in the mirror, (I am not talking about body image here), and see someone who is trying their utmost to be a good person, who strives to work hard and value those around them...whatever someone else might think shouldn't matter quite so much.
I can freely accept, I behaved like the poor lemming too many times...it's arguable, I still do in certain areas of my life, but at least now, I am not surprised when the inevitable happens and fortunately, as often as I've fallen off the cliff, I have climbed back up again.
Well, that's enough from me, I'm sure...so have a good week, thank you for the very kind messages and as always,
Take care out there xx
