'Couldn't you ask me to do something easier ?'
Well, it's that time again, when I find myself sitting at this laptop and sharing a few thoughts with you all. But before I start, firstly, I would like to say, I hope you're all doing well and the world is smiling on you..and secondly, I would like to thank those who have been in touch with me. I genuinely enjoy reading your thoughts on something I've written, even if we don't always agree..it's always very interesting to hear another point of view. Well, with that said, today I feel I want to write about importance, more specifically, how much we put on ourselves in our own lives..let me explain...
As a mother, I have spent some years, trying to be supportive of my children..when they were young, it was gazing admiringly at their artwork, when I truly had no real clue what it was supposed to be..as they got older, it was applauding their achievements and I would not have missed a moment. But when I look back, I struggle to even remember a time when I believed something I had done was worth even mentioning - let alone celebrated. It's like receiving compliments..I am so bad at that..I invariably hear myself saying awkwardly, 'oh it was nothing', 'anyone with the time could have done it' etc etc So where does this begin ? How does it happen, that the least important person in our own lives, is ourselves ?
Now, as I have mentioned before, I have gone through a lot of therapy sessions over the years...some were helpful and interesting, whereas others ? Well..let's just say, not so much. Anyway, at many of these sessions, I was told, I had to love myself before I could successfully love anyone else..to which, on the surface, I would nod, whereas internally, I wanted to scream B******T !!!! It only takes the briefest glimpse at my family to know the depth of feeling I have for them, equally, those dear friends who share my life, I would hope they know, just how much they mean - I tell them often enough (hopefully). So I feel I can argue, I do know how to love someone...but loving myself ? Looking at my own reflection and not being critical ? Examining my own achievements and not only acknowledging the perceived failings ? Frankly, I would find it easier to walk over burning coals. But the question is, WHY ?
Now, the most popular answer is, blame the parents...clearly it's all their fault, but for me, that seems way too easy. It's true, I can review my childhood and recall several moments when I was made to feel like I had failed..but am I really remembering it all ? Obviously not. Perhaps there were many times I was praised, but, for some reason, the good moments are easily forgotten, whereas the bad seem almost seared on my memory. Equally, when I think back over the veritable rogue's gallery of former lovers, partners etc...it does seem, those who treated me well didn't seem to last anywhere near as long, as those who did not - so could it be, I somehow came to the conclusion, I didn't deserve any better ?
I was once advised to look at my life, as if it was someone else's, with a view to being able to 'truly appreciate and wonder' ( I kid you not), at how much I had achieved. Now, I promise, I really did try to be objective, I took a range of moments and attempted to do as I was asked..but when I was asked to talk aloud about my 'self-pride', I could barely finish a sentence without some kind of disclaimer - generally in the form of a gentle putdown. I found the whole five minutes toe-curling, when I heard myself saying some of the scripted praise I was supposed to heap upon myself..I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole. I think my reaction was partly due to the thought in my head, at any moment, someone was going to leap up, point at me accusingly, while screeching 'FRAUD!
At this point, I would like to stress, this is not some kind of contrived post, aimed at twanging the heartstrings of the reader with the hope of receiving a mass of compliments..I can assure you, from the bottom of my being, the truth is a million light years away from that notion. I suppose I just want to find out how it happens...especially as many women have expressed similar feelings. They also feel their role is to support and encourage those around them, but not be the centre of the praise at all. Yet we find it so easy to burst with pride when a friend shares a triumph, or one of our children wins a prize...much as I hate to involve gender stereotypes, this does seem to affect more women than men. So considering how many, it does seem rather unlikely, we all grew up within a negative family atmosphere,there must be other factors at work here.
Now despite everything I've written before, there are women who find it extremely easy to refer to themselves as a 'goddess', who effortlessly talk about their talents and achievements...I have the greatest respect for them..I also secretly wish I could be more like that myself. Oh how I would like to relax back in a chair and talk about how the world is blessed to have me...but I can never see that happening, it's far more likely, I say it and then quickly toss in a one-liner, because 'I was only kidding,folks.'
So what was it that made me this way ? Truth is, my friends, I really don't know...looking back has never provided an answer so perhaps it really will take a serious change of perception on my own part..to look into that mirror and see someone 'better' than I believe is there - as the title suggests, any number of things would be easier.
At the time of writing, I have a number of projects floating around my mind, I have even more 'reasons' why doing any of them would be 'pointless' - this attitude has to change because, despite everything, I do have the tiniest hope, a day will come when I am truly proud of myself...whether that day ever comes, is in my own hands..if it doesn't, well blaming anyone else would be false in the extreme.
So while I try and see something good in the mirror, I hope your week holds nothing but wonderful things for you...until the next time..
Take care out there xx
As a mother, I have spent some years, trying to be supportive of my children..when they were young, it was gazing admiringly at their artwork, when I truly had no real clue what it was supposed to be..as they got older, it was applauding their achievements and I would not have missed a moment. But when I look back, I struggle to even remember a time when I believed something I had done was worth even mentioning - let alone celebrated. It's like receiving compliments..I am so bad at that..I invariably hear myself saying awkwardly, 'oh it was nothing', 'anyone with the time could have done it' etc etc So where does this begin ? How does it happen, that the least important person in our own lives, is ourselves ?
Now, as I have mentioned before, I have gone through a lot of therapy sessions over the years...some were helpful and interesting, whereas others ? Well..let's just say, not so much. Anyway, at many of these sessions, I was told, I had to love myself before I could successfully love anyone else..to which, on the surface, I would nod, whereas internally, I wanted to scream B******T !!!! It only takes the briefest glimpse at my family to know the depth of feeling I have for them, equally, those dear friends who share my life, I would hope they know, just how much they mean - I tell them often enough (hopefully). So I feel I can argue, I do know how to love someone...but loving myself ? Looking at my own reflection and not being critical ? Examining my own achievements and not only acknowledging the perceived failings ? Frankly, I would find it easier to walk over burning coals. But the question is, WHY ?
 |
| Will I ever be able to ask 'that' question with a straight face ? |
Now, the most popular answer is, blame the parents...clearly it's all their fault, but for me, that seems way too easy. It's true, I can review my childhood and recall several moments when I was made to feel like I had failed..but am I really remembering it all ? Obviously not. Perhaps there were many times I was praised, but, for some reason, the good moments are easily forgotten, whereas the bad seem almost seared on my memory. Equally, when I think back over the veritable rogue's gallery of former lovers, partners etc...it does seem, those who treated me well didn't seem to last anywhere near as long, as those who did not - so could it be, I somehow came to the conclusion, I didn't deserve any better ?
I was once advised to look at my life, as if it was someone else's, with a view to being able to 'truly appreciate and wonder' ( I kid you not), at how much I had achieved. Now, I promise, I really did try to be objective, I took a range of moments and attempted to do as I was asked..but when I was asked to talk aloud about my 'self-pride', I could barely finish a sentence without some kind of disclaimer - generally in the form of a gentle putdown. I found the whole five minutes toe-curling, when I heard myself saying some of the scripted praise I was supposed to heap upon myself..I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole. I think my reaction was partly due to the thought in my head, at any moment, someone was going to leap up, point at me accusingly, while screeching 'FRAUD!
At this point, I would like to stress, this is not some kind of contrived post, aimed at twanging the heartstrings of the reader with the hope of receiving a mass of compliments..I can assure you, from the bottom of my being, the truth is a million light years away from that notion. I suppose I just want to find out how it happens...especially as many women have expressed similar feelings. They also feel their role is to support and encourage those around them, but not be the centre of the praise at all. Yet we find it so easy to burst with pride when a friend shares a triumph, or one of our children wins a prize...much as I hate to involve gender stereotypes, this does seem to affect more women than men. So considering how many, it does seem rather unlikely, we all grew up within a negative family atmosphere,there must be other factors at work here.
Now despite everything I've written before, there are women who find it extremely easy to refer to themselves as a 'goddess', who effortlessly talk about their talents and achievements...I have the greatest respect for them..I also secretly wish I could be more like that myself. Oh how I would like to relax back in a chair and talk about how the world is blessed to have me...but I can never see that happening, it's far more likely, I say it and then quickly toss in a one-liner, because 'I was only kidding,folks.'
So what was it that made me this way ? Truth is, my friends, I really don't know...looking back has never provided an answer so perhaps it really will take a serious change of perception on my own part..to look into that mirror and see someone 'better' than I believe is there - as the title suggests, any number of things would be easier.
At the time of writing, I have a number of projects floating around my mind, I have even more 'reasons' why doing any of them would be 'pointless' - this attitude has to change because, despite everything, I do have the tiniest hope, a day will come when I am truly proud of myself...whether that day ever comes, is in my own hands..if it doesn't, well blaming anyone else would be false in the extreme.
So while I try and see something good in the mirror, I hope your week holds nothing but wonderful things for you...until the next time..
Take care out there xx
