Looking back but not living there
Good morning everyone, wherever you might be in the world, I'm fairly sure we are all facing the same trials so obviously I wish you well, stay safe and let's hope things return to some kind of normality before too long. Despite the handling and mishandling of the virus by our various leaders, I believe it is us, the every day citizen, who will ultimately overcome all the hardships and emerge brighter and better than ever. Like many of you, I have been in lockdown mode, I gaze out of the window at deserted streets, on my rare trips outside, the once bustling town resembles the opening shots of an apocalypse movie and everyone I pass, keeps their masked face down, as if fearful even exchanging glances might somehow transmit germs. Having described this scene, you will not be surprised I have spent a great deal of time indoors-mainly through necessity and in observance of government guidelines. Many years ago, I suffered a pulmonary embolism in one of my lungs, which is basically a blood clot turning up in the wrong place. At the time, it was undoubtedly serious but, as I'm writing this to you now, I obviously survived, however, it did leave me with perhaps a 'weakness' and so I am being especially careful during these troubled times. My reason for mentioning this event, is when the Coronavirus first reared its ugly head, there was great talk of protecting 'vulnerable' people and, it seems I could be seen as one-although only by others and never by myself. As I had little else to do, I started to look back on my life, which could have been disastrous but actually turned out to be quite a revelation.
Let me try and explain....
My mother and I had, at times, a difficult relationship, we were very similar in many ways which led to conflict on more than one occasion. After one particular argument, I decided, enough was enough and refused to contact her for some weeks. Purely by chance, I met my aunt, my mother's sister, who had obviously heard about the row, at first, she let me rant about how 'right' I was and how I had been 'pushed too far this time.' After several minutes, when I finally paused for breath, my aunt spoke and in an exceptionally calm way, she asked me, who I was going to be angry with when my mother was no longer around. Her question stopped me in my tracks, seeing my reaction, she continued to explain, nobody is around forever and if something awful happened to my mother while we weren't speaking,
I would never forgive myself. She finished by saying, in the grand scheme of things, who was right or wrong really was of little importance as what really mattered, was the relationship and not who could somehow prove they were the more 'right.'
Looking back at my own life, at first glance, it is relatively easy to rattle through times I have been hurt in some way- both physically and mentally. There is a whole raft of resentment, anger and frankly, bitterness, about how certain people have treated me - obviously, the ones I had considered closest, managed to cause the most harm. As I mentally scrolled through a variety of painful memories, I was genuinely surprised how raw some of that hurt could still be so painful-even though, in some cases, years have passed since the original event. Oh my friends, it is so, so, easy, to almost convince yourself, you have always been the injured party, but, as we all know, that is rarely-if ever- true.
As I looked more closely, I was forced to face the uncomfortable truth, I had behaved badly too many times, by not being mindful of others, for losing patience when only a little was needed and allowing my stubborn streak to dominate my thinking - even when I probably knew I was wrong. Now, I am not saying I am a uniquely awful person, I really don't believe I am, but I do have to acknowledge, however easy it is to vent about other peoples' faults, it needs to be the same when looking at my own. So what can be done ? Thinking back to my aunt's wisdom, do I really still want to be carrying all those negative feelings around forever? Because if anything did happen to me or the other people involved, would either of us be comfortable knowing we chose not to reach out when we had the chance ? I don't think so.
But to complete this train of thought, requires forgiveness and when you have been badly hurt, that is not always an easy thing to find. I would like to make clear, I don't mean forgiving someone and allowing them back into your life without so much as a backward glance, not at all. But if it was possible to forgive them in your own mind, to be able to let go of all the hurt and resentment, it may well remove an emotional weight that's been carried for too long. Speaking personally, I find forgiving myself infinitely harder to do, I cringe when I recall some of the things I have said and done in the past. I think back and just repeatedly ask myself, 'Why?' But since beginning this reflective period, I have had to accept, the past is the past and cannot be changed, however much you might want to go back. So in order to move forward, you have to forgive yourself as much as you forgive others, after all, rarely did I mean to hurt someone, words were said in anger not in a cold, incisive way. I lashed out when feeling attacked, stormed away in rage rather than stand and talk properly- basically, I allowed emotions to wreak havoc when I should have taken a step back. Maya Angelou said, the greatest gift you could give yourself was forgiveness, to acknowledge your failings to both yourself and others and you'll be free from the negativity you've been carrying for too long. It's a wonderful concept, but undoubtedly harder to really do than it sounds in words. Despite that fact, I do intend to try, after all, we are all a work in progress, hopefully, improving ourselves with every passing day.
Finally, if nothing else comes from the Coronavirus outbreak, I think we have all realised how much we need to be with the people we love -especially if they are some distance away. When all this is over and we can be reunited, I think we will all hold each other closer. As for those we have lost owing to all the issues I have talked about today, if we are being truthful, we miss them too. I am well aware, some people have caused us such damage in the past, there is absolutely no way of allowing them back into our lives. But for those others, who perhaps we did disconnect from in a rash moment, maybe now is the time to reach out - after all, to echo my aunt's words, who will we be angry with, when they aren't around any more ? The world has shown itself to be a fragile place and nothing illustrates that more than how a single virus can cause total disruption, we are stronger together- it's that simple.
Please look after yourselves, stay safe and know I am sending so much love and many good wishes to all of you...until the next time...
Take care out there xxx
Let me try and explain....
My mother and I had, at times, a difficult relationship, we were very similar in many ways which led to conflict on more than one occasion. After one particular argument, I decided, enough was enough and refused to contact her for some weeks. Purely by chance, I met my aunt, my mother's sister, who had obviously heard about the row, at first, she let me rant about how 'right' I was and how I had been 'pushed too far this time.' After several minutes, when I finally paused for breath, my aunt spoke and in an exceptionally calm way, she asked me, who I was going to be angry with when my mother was no longer around. Her question stopped me in my tracks, seeing my reaction, she continued to explain, nobody is around forever and if something awful happened to my mother while we weren't speaking,
Looking back at my own life, at first glance, it is relatively easy to rattle through times I have been hurt in some way- both physically and mentally. There is a whole raft of resentment, anger and frankly, bitterness, about how certain people have treated me - obviously, the ones I had considered closest, managed to cause the most harm. As I mentally scrolled through a variety of painful memories, I was genuinely surprised how raw some of that hurt could still be so painful-even though, in some cases, years have passed since the original event. Oh my friends, it is so, so, easy, to almost convince yourself, you have always been the injured party, but, as we all know, that is rarely-if ever- true.
As I looked more closely, I was forced to face the uncomfortable truth, I had behaved badly too many times, by not being mindful of others, for losing patience when only a little was needed and allowing my stubborn streak to dominate my thinking - even when I probably knew I was wrong. Now, I am not saying I am a uniquely awful person, I really don't believe I am, but I do have to acknowledge, however easy it is to vent about other peoples' faults, it needs to be the same when looking at my own. So what can be done ? Thinking back to my aunt's wisdom, do I really still want to be carrying all those negative feelings around forever? Because if anything did happen to me or the other people involved, would either of us be comfortable knowing we chose not to reach out when we had the chance ? I don't think so.
But to complete this train of thought, requires forgiveness and when you have been badly hurt, that is not always an easy thing to find. I would like to make clear, I don't mean forgiving someone and allowing them back into your life without so much as a backward glance, not at all. But if it was possible to forgive them in your own mind, to be able to let go of all the hurt and resentment, it may well remove an emotional weight that's been carried for too long. Speaking personally, I find forgiving myself infinitely harder to do, I cringe when I recall some of the things I have said and done in the past. I think back and just repeatedly ask myself, 'Why?' But since beginning this reflective period, I have had to accept, the past is the past and cannot be changed, however much you might want to go back. So in order to move forward, you have to forgive yourself as much as you forgive others, after all, rarely did I mean to hurt someone, words were said in anger not in a cold, incisive way. I lashed out when feeling attacked, stormed away in rage rather than stand and talk properly- basically, I allowed emotions to wreak havoc when I should have taken a step back. Maya Angelou said, the greatest gift you could give yourself was forgiveness, to acknowledge your failings to both yourself and others and you'll be free from the negativity you've been carrying for too long. It's a wonderful concept, but undoubtedly harder to really do than it sounds in words. Despite that fact, I do intend to try, after all, we are all a work in progress, hopefully, improving ourselves with every passing day.
Finally, if nothing else comes from the Coronavirus outbreak, I think we have all realised how much we need to be with the people we love -especially if they are some distance away. When all this is over and we can be reunited, I think we will all hold each other closer. As for those we have lost owing to all the issues I have talked about today, if we are being truthful, we miss them too. I am well aware, some people have caused us such damage in the past, there is absolutely no way of allowing them back into our lives. But for those others, who perhaps we did disconnect from in a rash moment, maybe now is the time to reach out - after all, to echo my aunt's words, who will we be angry with, when they aren't around any more ? The world has shown itself to be a fragile place and nothing illustrates that more than how a single virus can cause total disruption, we are stronger together- it's that simple.
Please look after yourselves, stay safe and know I am sending so much love and many good wishes to all of you...until the next time...
Take care out there xxx
