When I look back

Hello Everyone, before I begin, I should like to send my love and good wishes to all of those who are trying to maintain some kind of normal in the face of the Coronavirus. How many of our countries seemed to have started to contain it, when it rears its ugly head somewhere else within our borders - even though it feels it will never end, I have hope it will or, at least, the grip it holds on all our lives will loosen enough so we can really start to live again. If nothing else, this enforced isolation has perhaps made us rethink our priorities. Before it all began, I know I was guilty of taking a great deal for granted, simple things like walking into a shop, going to see a movie or grabbing a bite to eat in a cafe. When this ends, I sincerely hope, I will not forget what it was like not to be able to arrange to see friends, for whole relationships to be restricted to phone calls and FaceTiming and not being able to just move freely from place to place. But, this post is not about COVID-19, there is more than enough written about the virus...no this post is more of a random collection of reflections that have occurred to me during this isolation.

When you get to a certain age, when you start to look back over your life, too much of it seems a very long time ago, whereas in fact, in the grand scheme of things, it's really nothing more than a second when compared to the world as a whole. So when I allow the memory banks to open, what do I see ? Like most people's lives, mine has been quite the ride really - I have known moments of total happiness and crushing despair, the joy of being completely in love and the heartbreak of loss, my head is filled with the photo album of all those who, to a greater or lesser degree, left their mark on my life. As an aside, it's funny how you can not really think of someone for months and then a song will come on the radio, or you watch an old movie and suddenly, their face is what leaps to the front of your mind. You find yourself remembering with almost pinpoint accuracy, times you shared - when you laughed so much your sides ached, when you carried each other home after a night out and the long hours, when you just sat and talked about everything. Much as they have taken up a permanent place in your mind, it's easy to forget, you have probably have a similar place in their thoughts too. I would like to think, if I do crop up, it would bring a smile to their face - probably accompanied by a shake of the head and an eye roll. Sad to say, at one time, I did have something of a reputation for not always making the best choices !You see, when we share stories from our past, we think they're ours, but they really aren't- those memories are shared and so when we re-tell them, we are revealing as much about other people as we are ourselves. 

So, you may wonder, when I look back, what would I say were some of the stand-out moments ? Without question, having my children would have to hold the top spot. I really don't think there is anything else that has such a dramatic effect on a life. As I've already said, I was not known for being especially responsible, in fact, when I was young, it was universally decided, my best option was to, stand, nod, smile and say nothing. I became very good at all four, I knew that was what was expected and so I routinely delivered. You can therefore imagine the consternation when it turned out I was going to be a mother - there were few who believed this turn of events could end well. Despite these odds, when I had my first daughter, it was as if, she brought a new perspective with her. Suddenly I saw myself in a totally different way and, although it's a bit of a cliche, we grew up together. When my second daughter arrived, for numerous medical reasons, her birth was infinitely more complicated- yet again, I was lucky that she brought something equally special with her- the belief that however difficult or traumatic a situation seemed, the strength was there to overcome it, I just had to believe in it. As it happens, this was a most precious gift, as it has kept us both going when things have seemed nothing less than impossible.

But aside from motherhood, what other moments spring to mind ? 

Even as I sit here, my brain flits through hundreds of images, like movie trailers - dancing in a thunderstorm, while belting out 'Singing in the Rain', sitting in a friends' garden all night because she thought she'd lost her house key only for us to find it in the morning, walking over Waterloo Bridge as the sun came up with someone I was sure was destined to be the love of my life, ( I was wrong but that's okay), holding a copy of my first published book and waking up in the arms of someone who made me feel so unbelievably happy. I know what you're thinking, she's had a charmed life - but you'd be mistaken, those are just some of the best moments, if I look again, not all my 'movies' had happy endings. Painful as it is, those times have to be acknowledged too, otherwise I am only telling half the story - standing shell-shocked in a church on a slab-grey day at the funeral of one of my dearest friends, wandering aimlessly through a park when my heart got shattered  by someone who broke their promise to cherish it, being confronted by faceless officialdom who held my future in their hands but instead of showing compassion, chose careless disregard and so it goes on. My life has indeed been a rich mixture of good and bad, highs and lows - I'm sure yours is the same. 

In some belief systems, it is said we have all lived many lives and we are supposed to gain knowledge from each one, learn lessons to carry forward from one to the next, making us all wiser. If that's true, I can't help but wonder what I am supposed to learn from this particular turn at the wheel - I guess I'll have to wait until the next to really be able to answer that question. I am only really certain, I don't feel especially wise other than maybe through all the experiences, I've learnt some of the better ways to go and rather too many of the paths to avoid, which I guess, is a kind of wisdom - it's called trial and error.

So that's what I see when I look back, many glorious moments and several times which have left their mark and perhaps the emotions they cause have yet to be really resolved. I am well aware I have not made peace with all of my past, not that I have a whole raft of regrets, but there are some things I wish I had done better. One last point, there are some people who will bluntly say, the past is the past and there's no point looking back - I disagree whole-heartedly. For me, to pretend certain things didn't happen, is a bit like trying to hide an overdue bill at the back of your wardrobe - even though you can't see it, you know it's there and if you ignore it for too long, undoubtedly trouble will appear sooner or later. Equally, I don't think living in the past is much of an idea either. 

So I've opted to take occasional moments, especially during lockdown, to look back and try to make some sense of it all - to work towards being able to see more of it as not a random collection of events, but more of a series of stepping stones which brought me to today. I know for many of you reading this post, there will be aspects of your own pasts which are simply too painful and I completely respect your right to keep the door to those memories firmly closed. But I would ask you to remember, the very fact you're reading this now, means those dark days did not finish you, they did not leave you by the wayside, in fact, despite them, you're still here and there are still so many of those stepping stones ahead for you, which may well lead to places, more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. 

On that positive note, it's time for me to stop wandering down memory lane and look forward - at least for today...please look after yourselves, do what you need to do to stay safe, sending you all love and good wishes...until the next time..

Take care out there xxxx