All about Firsts.....

Hello Everyone, I hope all is good with you, although obviously I’m well aware so much of the world is facing major challenges. As always, I won’t stray into politics but I hope all governments start to show more care and compassion to everyone but especially the most vulnerable members of all our communities. Sadly, it does seem as if leaders appear far more interested in maintaining power, or in fact, gaining yet more, than actually helping everyone else. Anyway, with all that said, as it’s obviously the Ist today, I felt talking about other kinds of ‘firsts’ would be appropriate as hopefully all my examples will be very relatable. So be prepared to find yourself blushing, just in case I trigger a few more than a few memories..

So, let me start with one particularly toe-curling moment, my very first kiss which happened when I was about twelve years old. Now I should stress, this experience was my first ‘real’ kiss, yes there had been a few chaste pecks on the cheek before that moment, but this one holds the top spot. To give you a little background, at the time, I had spent many a Saturday afternoon, watching re-runs of old black and white movies. I was captivated by the suave male leads falling desperately in love with beautiful women, who literally glowed onscreen. At least once in the film, he would sweep her into his arms and kiss her with such passion, it made my young heart leap. Sadly, in reality I was surrounded by boys who showed far more enthusiasm for sport than girls, also the level of ‘suave’ bordered on non-existent, so what was a girl to do who wanted romance? All hope seemed lost until, one cold December afternoon, a boy, a few years older than me, approached and asked if I had seen his sister, who turned out to be a girl in my study group. Trying to appear cool, I shrugged my shoulders and said something about not having seen her but I was happy to go back to class and see if she was still there. He thanked me and smiled-that was all it took! One glimpse of those perfect teeth and sparkling eyes caused my body to melt, it was all I could do to walk!  

Fast forward to a night where all the local schools combined to host a disco, I’d heard he was going and swore this was my big chance. I put more effort into my appearance that night than perhaps I’ve ever done since, I could leave nothing to chance. When I was sure I had somehow managed to encapsulate all the Hollywood glamour from those movies, I strode into the disco and searched for the boy. After an hour of dancing near him, finally, he came over and started to join in, then, all my prayers were answered, when a slow song started and he pulled me close. I cannot even begin to describe how fast my heart was beating, being in his arms, the room almost dark but for a few coloured lights- this was it! Before I could truly prepare myself, suddenly I found his mouth on mine, his tongue plunging between my teeth, wet and circling awkwardly. His hands slipped from my waist and were now so tightly clamped on my butt, I could feel his fingernails pressing against my skin. I felt breathless and uncomfortable, but determined not to let this moment go to waste, I did my best to go along with what was happening until the music stopped, the lights went up and he speedily released me, grinning while wiping his lips and walking back to his waiting friends. My closest friend who has clearly witnessed the whole scene, half ran over and while sipping two cups of warm punch, I regaled her with the story in minute detail. I made it sound far more explosive than it was in reality but under the circumstances, I think that’s understandable also it prepared me for  many encounters since that day, where I’ve convincingly said ‘that was amazing’ when the truth was somewhat different.

What did I learn from that ‘first’? Mainly that life was not like the movies but also the simple joy that can be had from just being brave enough to go for something. Obviously, more sexual firsts happened after that kiss although not with the same boy, as when I saw him again after the disco, he pretended not to remember me at all. Although his attitude was stinging, thanks to all those old movie stars, I knew how to stride away without showing a shred of emotion. When I got home, naturally I locked myself in my bedroom, listened to very sad songs while deciding my heartbreak would never end. Let me assure you, it did and surprisingly quicker than I would have guessed.

Now, there’s just time for one more first, ( if you were hoping for the loss of virginity story, I’ve told it so often, I’m sure, if you have the will, you’ll find it) - no, instead I thought I’d go for publishing my first book. Writing had long been a part of my life and yet it took a LONG time before I actually thought about doing something, like writing an actual book. It was far harder than I had imagined, but when it was finished, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do next especially as I didn’t know if it was actually any good. I saw an article about how you could self publish and so after struggling with formatting and designing a cover, I uploaded the finished files and clicked on the ‘publish now’ button. I’m not going to to lie, I felt physically sick when I pictured anyone reading my story. I can’t even begin to guess how many times I decided to delete the whole thing but thankfully, I managed to push through all those negative feelings and left it there, out in the public domain. Getting my first reviews was both terrifying and gratifying, realising I would now have to write another book was also daunting.  But for all the self-imposed anguish, much like that first kiss, I’m so glad I found the courage to just go for it otherwise everything else that followed might never have happened.

The first time we do anything is rarely easy, it also doesn’t always go according to plan but I really don’t think we should allow our fears to stop us. I believe we are often our own worst enemy, we can highlight all the possibilities for embarrassment instead of focusing on the positives. It’s very hard to take that leap but if we don’t, we will never know if we will fall or fly.

Anyway, I hope you find something completely new to try this month, it could be something small or a major life change but either way, try and remember every first marks the beginning of a new chapter in our lives and you can never have too many of those.... until next time...

Take very good care out there xxxx