The Journey Through Loss

 Hello Everyone, I hope you are all well and you're still able to find some reasons to smile, even though so much of the world seems in turmoil. I think we are all deeply moved by the tragedies that are happening on the global stage but today I want to focus on those more personal times of loss. Aside from the fact, it is a theme within my new novella 'After the Rain' so has been on my mind, but also - and more importantly- there have been a number of high-profile figures who have left us. I'm particularly thinking of Matthew Perry and Bill Kenwright to name only two, both men extraordinarily gifted who, through their talent, made the world an infinitely better place.

I am not going to write an in-depth piece about their careers, as this has been done by people with far more access than myself, instead I want to talk about the more personal effect of their loss. If you are confronted by any kind of bereavement, I don't believe money or status makes even the slightest difference to the intense pain. You go through a range of emotions but, for most of us, we can grieve privately whereas if you are connected to someone famous, your sadness almost becomes public property. As an example, I was genuinely shocked when after the death of Friends star, Matthew Perry, his castmates were criticised for not immediately putting out a statement.  He was so much more than a popular actor to them, he was a dear friend and yet, this fact was somehow forgotten as certain factions of the media almost demanded they 'react' to his loss. Would any of us? Having lost people myself, the very last thing I wanted to do was even talk to anyone I didn't know, let alone share my feelings with a vast audience of strangers! The behaviour of some who have virtually been stalking the cast in the hope of snatching a picture of them expressing any kind of facial expression, is pretty shabby to say the very least. But putting the predictably poor behaviour of the press to one side, I've been thinking about what will happen when the public interest subsides and those who were closest are left to face the future. 

In my own experience, I thought the moment that much loved person died was the worst time in my life- but I was mistaken. Surprising as it may sound, I was quickly swept up by a whirlwind of activity, funeral arrangements had to be made, endless meetings with lawyers to discuss the estate of the deceased were only two of a vast list of things that needed to be done. Aside from a raft of paperwork, I spent long periods of time on the phone to inform friends and family, having virtually the same conversations over and over again.  Even on the day of the funeral, it all seemed a blur of people either trying to comfort me or the other way around, while being surrounded by lavish displays of flowers. After the ceremony, there was more socialising at the wake, people sharing their memories while I nodded and smiled, trying to focus while wishing I could just run away from it all. And yes, I am aware that sounds ungrateful and even rude, but all I can be is completely honest with you, the whole day was absolutely draining. 

The next weeks were spent writing thank you cards and replying to those who had reached out, while still attempting to deal with the 'business' side of it all. I think it might have been about a month or so later, when I finally came up for air and realised, everyone else's life was moving forward, unchanged - whereas mine stretched before me and I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. In that quiet moment, the intense grief hit me like a wave. Strange as it sounds, it was only then that the fact, I was never going to see them again suddenly became a horrifying reality. At the time, I was incredibly blessed with some very dear friends but, for a while, I found it very difficult to be with them. My emotions were chaotic, ranging from deep sadness to anger, as it felt so unfair that I had lost the one person I needed the most. I have to confess to even feeling silently resentful towards others who were not in my situation, which is not something I am proud of saying, but it is the truth.

What I'm saying here, is like anyone else, I was a mess but however awful it was for me, I could do my grieving privately. Whereas for those connected to Matthew Perry or Bill Kenwright, the loss is in the public eye, their admirers share the grief and so there's a need for that to be acknowledged. I'm guessing there is great comfort to be found in seeing just how loved and respected they were by so many people, but equally, maybe those closest, have moments where they find themselves wishing they could run away, as I did. In the weeks and months to come, long after the intense scrutiny has shifted to something else, there is the huge task of trying to move forward and there are so many things that will trip them up on that journey. Again, from my own experience, I would have days where I felt almost normal and then a song would come on the radio, or I'd watch something and turn to comment, only to see an empty chair next to me. The tears would fall, and it felt as if I was back to square one, but again I was wrong. As I started to realise, that there were more moments where I would smile, I'm not saying there were bouts of hysterical laughter, but I felt palpable comfort in a memory. I heard myself talking about how much they would have loved a particular thing or could retell a much-loved anecdote without my words catching in my throat. Someone once said that you didn't ever get over the loss, you just get better at living with it and there are few sayings that are more true.

Bereavement is one of the few experiences in life that is universal, it is something we will all endure, regardless of the paths our lives follow. How we cope with loss is an intensely personal journey, but I hope, by writing this post today, you can see that even in those depths of dark despair, a time will come when light returns. It's true, your life is never the same but that doesn't have to mean, your life is over. Yes, it will be different, you'll be on a trajectory that was unplanned but, it still holds possibilities and maybe even some joy.

Anyway, perhaps this is the perfect time to end this post, on a hopeful note while wishing everyone some peace who might be going through their own loss, obviously including those connected to Matthew and Bill.... until the next time...

Take very good care out there xx