Defining moments...

Welcome back, I hope the world is treating you well and thank you for coming back today. As for what I am going to be talking about, well, it’s all about definitions-not in the vocabulary sense, but how people define each other and, perhaps, more importantly, how we define ourselves. It’s a strange thing how people do see themselves, in my experience, it can bear little or no resemblance how the world sees them and maybe that’s all down to definitions.

As an example, I have known some women who have experienced an abusive marriage, now some may have suffered for many years, but when asked, will defiantly reply, they are ‘survivors’. As if however awful their abuse, they have overcome its effects and are now stronger and more determined to live full lives. Others, it seems, see themselves as ‘victims’, and this core belief, seems to permeate through every aspect of their lives. So, whatever the situation, be it serious, as in not being able to successfully interact with their children, to the trivial, being pushed aside when queueing in McDonalds – they seem almost resigned to expect nothing better. As if the abuse they suffered, defines them as people so completely, there is no room for them to be anything else. Both attitudes are equally valid and understandable, but you have to wonder, what it would take for those who see themselves as victims, could, just for a moment, change that perception- change that definition.

I have also noticed this need to define yourself, when people talk about their working lives, far too often, someone has said to me, ‘ I am only a cleaner’ or ‘I am just a homemaker’, as if those roles somehow defined them in a less than impressive way. I invariably feel a degree of righteous indignation when I hear that kind of description, because, to me, ALL roles in life have their value and merit. After all, none of us would enjoy a wonderful quality of life in a less than sanitary environment and only a fool would underestimate the importance of creating safe, loving homes. As an aside, I do find the attitude of defining someone by their career choice unbelievably judgemental. After all, are we really saying, as a society, that some people are more ‘valuable’ than others? I sincerely hope not, but I do suspect, the fact some do say ‘only’ or ‘just’ does show this could be a way they define themselves in a negative way.

Interestingly, there are people who are all too keen to list all the aspects of their life, so when you meet them, within seconds, they rattle off an almost blinding list of definitions, ‘wife, mother,scout leader, part-time knitter, international spy and a ninja warrior at weekends.’ I have often found myself wondering how these people ever have time to sleep or eat ! But I am also left thinking, why do they need to make this list at all? After all, even a couple of those roles are more than enough, but for some reason, they need to emphasise all of them. I do wonder if perhaps, some time before in their lives, they’ve been made to feel not ‘enough’ in some way, so to prevent that happening again, they over-compensate by filling every last minute of the day with something they consider ‘worthy’ in some way.

Some years ago, when my daughters were young, I remember waiting at the school gate at the end of their day, when an especially harassed looking mother, raced up and joined me. Before I spoke, she breathlessly explained her schedule, it turned out, every day, after school, her daughter attended a heart-stopping number of classes, ranging from ballet to judo, conversational French to girl scout camp – there wasn’t a single evening or weekend, when this child wasn’t at some kind of structured activity. After hearing this bewildering list, I felt compelled to ask why she did quite so much, the mother looked almost shocked at the question, before replying,

“...because that’s what good mothers do.”

 

 

Our conversation was cut short by the appearance of her equally-breathless daughter, they barely spoke, as the child thrust her school bag into her mothers’ outstretched hand and started swapping her school shoes for ballet pumps. As I watched them race to their car, the womans’ words about being a ‘good’ mother came back to me, was her approach the right way ? As I thought about this, my own daughter ambled dreamily through the gate, as always, we hugged before setting off for home, pausing only to buy an ice cream. As we walked along, she told me about her day and we arrived back at our house, relaxed and happy. When she went to bed that night, I asked myself if I believed I was a ‘good’ mother, after all, by now, the lady I had met at the school gate, would still be out there somewhere, racing from one class to the next, while her daughter quickly changed outfits in the seat next to her. If that woman could see me now, would she think I was a ‘bad’ mother ? I couldn’t help but conclude, she would. But as I peeked into my sleeping daughters’ bedroom, she was peaceful and so the fact her conversational French wasn’t great and her ballet skills were non-existent, didn’t really seem that important.

I guess we all define ourselves in some way, sadly, not always positively, we are also perhaps a little too eager to define others too and I, for one, am going to be more mindful about doing that in the future. There is room for all kinds of people in this world, with varying attitudes, so perhaps its nor especially helpful to have definitions at all. As in the case of that mother, there are many ways to be a good parent, the fact my approach was so inherently different to hers, didn’t make either of us more right or wrong than the other.

Finally, I suppose I need to admit, I am not keen on anything which attempts to pigeon-hole people, and for me, this is what having rigid definitions is all about...if it was up to me, we would all just be ourselves and joyfully accept none of us are the same...anyway, until the next time..

Take care out there xx