To be a part of something...

It is said, by those infinitely wiser than me, humans are meant to be together, in fact, I believe, it is considered detrimental to mental health, to live in isolation. When you look around, the evidence for this is everywhere, so many of us make it a life goal, to find that special person and share our lives with them. Only today, while sitting by a small lake, I saw families, couples and groups of friends, clearly all enjoying sharing their space with others. Perhaps, because I was alone, I was able to briefly be a spectator and casually watch them laugh, play, talk and walk together and it was fairly obvious, humans are designed to be part of a group. So if we accept that to be true, you’d think we would all be experts when it comes to making our particular ‘pack’ a success- but so much of the time, we fail and when I left the lake today, I was left with wondering why it has to be that way. So here I am, writing this all down, in the perhaps vain hope, I can make some sense out of my thoughts…

I guess some of the problems we all have, is when we stop communicating at all, I know I am guilty of doing this, it’s almost like a wall goes up in my mind, blocking everything and everyone, so I can mentally hide behind it, while those around me are left, on the ‘wrong’ side, probably feeling both bemused and/or angry at their sudden exclusion from my life. I don’t really understand why this happens, it seems a little too simplistic to just say it’s some kind of defensive measure against some potential hurt-all I know, is when it happens, it feels as if I am screaming for some kind of help and nobody can hear me. I know that probably makes little sense, after all, if you need support, shutting yourself away is not the best way of getting it-my only answer to that perfectly reasonable conclusion is, emotions rarely follow any kind of logic.

Anyway, I hope you would agree, the primary emotion involved in any human group, is love and perhaps, our need for it, to keep it and fear of losing it, are at the root of many of our problems. I read a quote once, in all relationships, one person loves and the other is loved, in my own life, there has definitely been several times when it has felt this is true. As I have already confessed, I do prefer withdrawing from potential confrontation, which has inevitably led to me making faintly-ridiculous attempts at compromise rather than potentially lose the love of the other person. So, it’s pretty safe to say, I loved them and they let me- after all, with me desperately ‘giving in’ so much of the time, it must have meant them having an easier life. If I sound bitter, I apologise, because I am really not, I am a firm believer, we are only treated as well, or as badly, as we allow- for any number of unknown reasons, I clearly did not believe I was worth much, and so, when the opportunity came along, I quickly opted for the role of the ‘loving’ partner as it seemed safer, in some way, than trusting I could be the ‘loved’ one. Almost inevitably, those relationships became unhappy for both parties, which just serves to stress the importance of communication. I freely accept my part in those failures, looking back, I understand how difficult it must have been to be with someone who is either hiding, or so seething with resentment at always having to be the one who ‘gives in’, they occasionally explode emotionally. In my defence, in certain cases, it might have been an idea to try and redress the balance where compromises were needed- but that’s the past, and as another wise person said, ‘It’s okay to look back at the past, just don’t live in it.’

So why did I fail? Much as I hate to admit it, perhaps all those so-called ‘inspirational’ quotes about completely loving yourself before you can love another, do actually have some truth in them. (I should add, I would find it almost impossible to start each day, looking at my reflection and telling myself, I am amazing). I don’t think I am alone in thinking this way, I suspect many of us look at ourselves and only find faults, perhaps the success of any relationship, is being with a person or within a group, who see them too, but find countless more reasons to love us, despite them. As a parent, there have been many times when my children have driven me almost to madness but – and I assure you this is absolutely true- I love them unconditionally, so I do wonder, if it were possible, to have that kind of love for all the people we bring into our lives. That mental wall I mentioned earlier, well, my children have seen it and have been forced to hammer at its door occasionally, but, when it’s been them, it takes almost no effort on their part, to force me out of hiding again. Having thought about it, I suppose I was sure of their love for me, so to keep that out for too long, would have been a terrible loss.

Just one last point, when I was at the lake today, I was taken aback by how easy the people around me seemed to find being a part of a group, although, I am sure, from time to time, they also have problems. Perhaps, that’s a part of it too, the issues are never more important than the group – whether it has two or twenty members-so everyone works towards finding solutions. I guess when you can’t or don’t want to take that time, is when the relationship will ultimately fail.

Anyway, I have probably talked more than enough, so I will leave you to enjoy the rest of your weekend and I sincerely hope, you spend it feeling loved...so until the next time…

Take care out there xx