Whining and Dining

Hello and thank you so much for coming back, although you may be sorry you did, because unlike my more recent posts, this one might seem a bit of a ‘downer’ - but it seems to me, the whole point is to share thoughts and feelings, unless you’re one of those people who has a ‘lifestyle’ blog where you spend your time sharing recipes filled with ingredients we allegedly ‘all have in the cupboard’, like the seeds of some rare orchid only found on the south-facing slopes of the Himalayas at dusk. These culinary gems are generally interspersed with apparent words of wisdom ranging from the benefits of the mineral spa to how to nurture your inner child. Well, in that spirit, this post may well have been written by mine, so prepare yourself for a cup of frustration, a tablespoon of self-pity, all liberally sprinkled with seeds of self-doubt. So, you might be asking, ‘what’s your problem today?’ Although I do accept its more likely, you’re avidly searching for the lifestyle blog I mentioned, while ferreting through the cupboards in the forlorn hope you have some of those orchid seeds – to save you some time, I can say with some degree of certainty- you don’t…. because despite what your memory might be telling you, you did not use them in last year’s Christmas cake.

Let me explain with some questions...have you ever woken up and thought, what am I doing with my life? Is this it? While the other side of your brain is preoccupied with the ‘important’ things e.g. did I take the chicken for tonight’s dinner out of the freezer last night? (Thankfully the answer to that last question is ‘yes.’). But those other ones? They are proving tougher to answer. In many ways, my life is a good one, I am reasonably healthy, my kids are well and happy etc etc (..but here comes the whiny part), it’s just so dull! For example, when everyone else in the house has gone off for the day to achieve their own personal greatness, I am left almost giddy (?!) with the excitement of switching on the washing machine and then making the daily pilgrimage to the supermarket. I know you might think such a trip would be thrilling, (if you do, please tell me your secret), but, for me? It’s just not that great. I am obviously fortunate to have a family who needs feeding and to have the funds to fill a couple of shopping bags, but still, it’s not especially fulfilling – particularly when, on your return, one of your children announces they are going on a diet and will now be eating nothing but an almond and a mung bean for the month, thus making a fair portion of your trip completely pointless, as you spent some considerable time, wandering up and down the aisles, trying to find their favourite edible treats.

Now, before I go on, let me make one thing very clear, I love my family and I love looking after them, but...(and yes I know I am repeating myself), is this it? When I was born, did my mother look at her newborn daughter and say, ‘well you’re gong to be amazing at finding all the two-for-one deals at the shops?’….was that her hope for me? I doubt it and it certainly wasn’t mine when I had my children. I wanted them to have the courage to do anything with their lives, to chase their dreams and be free to make any choices which would bring them lasting happiness.

The worst part (yes, there’s more whining), is I know my current situation is largely my own fault and that’s the hardest part to accept of the whole thing. You see, when I look back over my life, there have been times, where I have really lived, when I have woken up and not been able to hesitate in getting up and being out there. It was like every day was filled with endless possibilities and I didn’t want to miss a single moment, I am relieved to tell you, I fully appreciated those times and never once took my good fortune for granted. But now? My days are all pretty much the same, I wave my much-loved troops off, and then...there’s little to do until they come home in the evening, and it’s that which is my own fault, somehow I have lost my motivation to make my own life ‘exciting’ any more. It’s actually easier to stare at the four walls around me than make the effort to walk out the door and make something good happen, something I can talk about when the family returns – because all they hear now are my ‘hilarious’ anecdotes of the ongoing battle with the self-service check-outs and despite my Oscar-worthy portrayal of the ‘Shop Floor Shenanigans’- they must be getting pretty dull.

So how does that happen? How does someone who was once so full of life become so lacking in it? To be brutally honest, it does scare me at times, just how down I can become when these kind of thoughts take hold of my mind. After all, if the prospects for every day promise nothing but more of the same..well..you do start to wonder why you’re bothering waking up at all. This morning I looked in the mirror and just saw a tired woman who has lost some indefinable something and has no idea how to find it again. I sincerely hope I do, because when I had a real life, there was no stopping me and it showed in my face. At the risk of sounding like a dog food commercial, I had sparkling eyes and boundless energy, whereas now? If I make it to the shops and back without falling over, I consider it a triumph.

Having looked over this post, it seems filled with contradictions and unanswerable questions, but I guess, at times, that’s what life is about...I know I am feeling very sorry for myself today and I am sorry for that...but I needed to write it all down because, perhaps, it has made me think about how to make tomorrow better, I hope so...also, I am pretty much alone while I am writing, so if I hadn’t opened the laptop, I would have been forced to tell the cat all of this and – between you and me – she isn’t the best audience, it’s hard to talk about your innermost concerns with someone who is intently licking their own butt.

Anyway, so that’s my whining done for the day, thank you for listening and being there..I will go now and leave you to find those orchid seeds….until the next time…

Take care out there xx