To Keep or Let Go

Well, hello again, my sincere apologies for my absence, but that old devil called Life doesn't always give you enough hours in the day..anyway, enough of my problems, you are here to read something a little more interesting. For a number of reasons, (which are way too long to go into here), I want to write about the past...there is a saying, “You can look back at the past, but don't live in it”, but sometimes that's hard to do, when whatever has happened to you has never really left your mind. We all like to think we have moved on from certain times and maybe, some are even enlightened enough to acknowledge, many life lessons are learned from every experience – good and bad. Just so you know, (in case you haven't guessed already), I don't consider myself even slightly 'enlightened', the best I hope for is I am able to stumble around in the darkness with the fervent hope I don't fall over the furniture.

Anyway, the past..it's quite a balancing act really, isn't it? If you're like me,( which I hope for your sake, you're not), there are days when you look back and you wish you could just hop back in time, a la Dr Who, and spend just a few hours back in those moments. Speaking personally, so many of those are when my daughters were young, I was very fortunate to be able to spend much of their early lives with them, (although it did mean having any actual money was always a bit of a hit or miss affair). I would love to be able to go back and re-watch all those school concerts, where beaming kids sing songs and with a rare intensity, play the triangle. I would even love to sit in baking sun on a parched school field, on the most uncomfortable chair invented, to watch them participate in the school sports day. To be completely honest, only one of them actually broke a sweat on those days, while she flew down the uneven grass, dressed in her pyjamas in the 'novelty' race. The other, well, she was generally stretched out, half-asleep, completely oblivious to all the frenzied activity around her, until a teacher came round with a tray of ice creams, which would prompt her to suddenly spring to life and, with all the speed of Usain Bolt, take her place in the queue.

But it isn't exclusively my kids lives I would want to revisit, there were moments with friends too...jumping up and down at a Bruce Springsteen concert, tunelessly screaming 'Born in the USA', (obviously I mean I was tuneless, not Bruce..he was completely awesome) or toppling out of a now-closed cocktail bar in London, ( not my fault), giggling helplessly when the cold night air hit us, all of us swearing we had only had two drinks so it was 'unbelievable' just how wrecked we were, although when those drinks were called Strawberry Homicides, perhaps not...and so many more, I warn you, when you start this trip down memory lane, it's hard to stop...because as your mind goes back to that time, it's like a sensory overload, it becomes so real. But as I said at the beginning, you can't live in the past, you have to be in the moment..and look forward, which isn't always especially easy, when the future stretches out before you and you have absolutely no idea what might be heading your way.

Recently, I have been faced with letting go much of what has been familiar for most of my life, like many of you, I'm sure, this has proved much more difficult than I would have imagined. When our lives start a new chapter, inevitably some aspects get left behind, suddenly they become the past and that's hard to accept, particularly when they represent things which have, until that point, been completely essential. I guess we have all had times, when, in order to gain, we have had to sacrifice something. I can only compare it to, when your computer is almost out of storage, and you have to go through everything to clear some space for all the new things. I don't know if you've ever done that, but it's ridiculously difficult, as you scan through pictures etc and realise you don't want to get rid of any of them. Thankfully, the memory stick has been invented – it's just a shame, there isn't one for life. How much easier it would be, if you could just store everything and be able to take it with you..wherever you go..I suppose the brain is as close as we can get, but memory is a fickle thing and things always get lost.

I have wondered, whether my 'looking back' time is more about security...after all, I know what happened then, I know how things turned out...generally, despite the odds, the problems were overcome and we triumphed – occasionally a bit bruised, but still standing, whereas the future, who knows? A wise friend once told me, whatever has happened to you, however bad it was, the fact you're still around to talk about it, shows just how strong you are and so the future should hold no fear, because if you have got this far, you can face what's to come. I know she was right, (mainly because she invariably is), but as I sit here, with a head filled with thoughts and feelings of days long gone, I don't feel 'strong' at all. Part of me wants to run back to the past, hide under the covers and hope the future doesn't find me...I want to be back in that school hall or dehydrating on that sports field...I want to be that young woman, who danced in the street pretending to be Gene Kelly..ARGH !

But, before I lose what's left of my sanity, aside from the past and the future...there is always the often-overlooked present...the moment we are in...as I write this, I am sitting on a bed, which I share with someone who knows most of my insecurities and yet somehow loves me any way. My daughters, although both aren't near to me, are healthy and chasing their own dreams – (there is also a dozing cat who only seems to stir when her food bowl is touched). So this 'present' is pretty good, I know I am very fortunate to be in it, even being able to write to you today, is a blessing, so please know, I am thankful.

But when I finish this, I know, as I go about the rest of my day, my mind will stray back...but I will do my best to make it only the briefest of visits and not book a room in the 'What's Gone' Hotel. Perhaps we do have to 'let go' of the past, but speaking personally, I would rather hold on tight to those parts which are precious to me and keep them in storage permanently.

Having read over this post, it does sound faintly melancholy, but don't go thinking I am feeling down, I'm really not – it's just, today is significant for too many reasons to explain and I needed to write it all down...despite what you may think, it does help me make sense of it all – although I am well aware it might confuse the hell out of you....but I hope you will come back anyway...with that in mind, as always, I will say...until the next time..

Take care out there xx