To Err is Human, to Forgive is even Harder

Well, after quite a week, here we are again with another weekend looming..I hope yours looks as if it's going to be a good one. But today, you find me in quite a reflective mood, not that anything especially bad has happened to me personally, but the horrifying events on Westminster Bridge, London, has made me think and I should like to share a few thoughts with you. Now before I go on, this is not going to be a post about 'hating' any one particular group, mainly because to blame the many for the actions of one madman is inherently unfair and unjust. Neither is this going to tackle the difficult subject of the best way to deal with terrorism, that's for those far wiser than me. No, perhaps surprisingly, this post is about forgiveness...let me explain..

When this kind of tragic incident happens, understandably all our thoughts are with the victims, but very often, someone will attempt to explain the motives of the perpetrator – either they have been brainwashed, they had a difficult childhood, they suffered from mental health issues or some such reason, as if those explanations should – in some way- make us feel a degree of sympathy. Obviously, when lives have been lost, generally people have absolutely no sympathy at all, in fact, even the most reasonable will start talking angrily about 'what should be done' to the murderer. But there are some people, who will insist, despite the horror of the crime, we need to find forgiveness, as – in their mind- the person concerned was so severely troubled before the incident took place, they shouldn't be held entirely responsible. They will also argue, their particular religious faith or belief system, dictates it is not for us to judge anyone, so we should forgive and trust the Divine to make any judgements. Speaking purely personally, I find this belief very difficult to accept, aside from the fact I don't have a deep faith, to genuinely forgive anyone for causing so much harm, is way beyond me. I truly respect those who can see beyond tragedies and believe a Higher Power has a purpose, so they can find forgiveness – they are undeniably wonderful, caring people but sadly, I am not one of them. I don't believe in the 'hang 'em high' mentality of mob rule, but I do believe the full weight of the law needs to be dropped squarely on them.

Thankfully, for most of us, forgiveness is required for far less dramatic issues in our own lives, yet, even on this more minor scale, it can be hard to find. When someone hurts us, once we are through the phases of anger and sorrow, I guess we are left with a choice, is what they've done more important than maintaining the relationship? How often do we all hear someone say, “..this time he/she has gone too far.” In my own life, as in yours, there have been times when accepting an apology from someone who has let me down, was almost impossible- mainly, aside from anything else, the almost deafening sound of my righteous indignation drowned them out. I didn't want to hear how 'they didn't mean it' or 'I didn't understand what they were going through at the time' – truth is, I almost never want to hear it ! I am ashamed to confess, there have been times when I have had absolutely no interest in what might have happened, be it the tragic loss of their goldfish/the burnt dinner/the cat's pregnant by an unknown father...I want to yell back,(and have done) “I don't care about Splashy, your charred pizza or your obviously slutty feline – you hurt my feelings !”

But invariably, once the rant is over, (which sometimes has included the occasional crockery throw, which, now I think about it, could explain my lack of plates), I find myself imagining my life without that person and usually- but not always- I grudgingly accept their apology and attempt to move on. Now, I am not even sure if that is true forgiveness, but the fact I can move on and try very hard not to mention the incident again, it's as good as I can manage most of the time. Other times, even when I am decidedly annoyed, I can consciously decide it wasn't really such a big deal and move on without hesitation – so perhaps it's all about the degree of discomfort hurt-wise, which determines how forgiving I can be.

Now obviously, I have needed to be forgiven myself – oh yes, I have messed things up to epic proportions more than once. I have had an almost uncanny knack of saying the completely wrong thing, at the wrong time to the wrong person – my only saving grace, is I do know this, so a heartfelt apology is never hard to find. I truly don't like hurting people, especially those I care about, so even when I am practically convinced I haven't done anything that bad, I will invariably say sorry, as the thought of not having them in my life any more, is just too horrible to imagine.

But there have been times, when finding the proverbial needle in a haystack would have been easier than finding it in my heart to forgive, when certain people have done something so hurtful, there is no way back. I think, when that level of pain is caused, you have to walk away without finding forgiveness, otherwise you do run the risk of being thought of as a pushover, and any self-respect you might have had is lost. Sad to say, there are some, who seem to realise you will never really walk away from them and so this seemingly gives them free rein to behave as badly as they wish, because you'll always be the one who gives in. I have been that 'one' and, believe me, do it often enough for the wrong people, and you only end up believing you're a fool.

So what does this all mean? Is the ability to forgive a wonderful gift or a curse? Taking everything into consideration, I do believe it is a gift, to be able to accept the failings and faults of another and still see the good in them? That's pretty special. I doubt, speaking only for myself, I will ever be able to forgive anyone who sets out to kill and maim innocent people, but perhaps I can work on being more understanding towards those who have just 'screwed up'. I don't think that should be to hard, after all, I do it so often myself...anyway, until the next time...

Take care out there xx