Numb and Numb-er...
Hello again, I hope all is good with you..before I begin, thank you so much for all your kind words and support, they are much appreciated..
So what has got me thinking today ? Well, I think we would all agree, whatever gender you might be, human beings are emotional creatures - even though some try very hard not to show they care about anything at all. Over the years, what I have realised, is there is a definite limit to just how much 'emotion' we can feel, whether it be intense pleasure or pain, inconsolable grief or raging temper..all of them can reach that point where it's as if our body & mind say,
" ENOUGH !"
And we reach a place of feeling nothing at all, a kind of numbness where we can still function throughout our day-to-day lives, but it's as if we are sleep-walking.
I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well, so perhaps an example or two might make what I am trying to explain a little clearer...
Many years ago, my father set off for work as usual, as he always liked to be early for everything, it was still dark. Being a creature of habit, he stopped to buy his morning newspaper before heading off to the railway station. He had barely stepped out of the shop door, when a car swerved off the road and knocked him down, at first, the driver attempted to drive away, but thankfully, the shop owner raced out of the shop and stopped him. The same, wonderfully kind shop owner looked after my father until the emergency services arrived and he was taken to hospital. Later that morning, a police officer appeared at my front door and told me what had happened but assured me my father didn't appear to be badly hurt. Despite his words, I phoned my mother who was at work and raced off to the hospital, where only hours later,a doctor told us, my father has sustained such a severe head injury, it was extremely unlikely he would regain consciousness. When those words were spoken, it was as if every last morsel of oxygen was suddenly drained from that sterile, impersonal room. I glanced at my mother, a woman not known for showing her emotions, I could see she was in total shock. I felt her rock slightly, as if about to faint, so I put my hand on her shoulder and she turned to look at me, she seemed almost surprised to see me there.
"How can this have happened ?" she asked quietly, but I couldn't answer, in fact, I couldn't speak at all, the horror of this whole dreadful event made it impossible for me to do anything. I admired my father so much, for so many reasons and now, in what felt like little more than a few minutes, he was leaving us. I half-expected my mother to cry, scream..do something ! So I waited, but instead, I just watched her try to force down all the emotions which must have been careering around her mind until she seemed almost calm. I know she loved him, they had been married for over 30 years, so I can only assume, the prospect of losing him was just too much to bear and so she somehow switched off those emotions. As for me ? Well, I questioned myself, how could I not be feeling anything ? Was I truly that heartless ? But, of course, I was wrong, the fact was, I was experiencing such a level of shock - like my mother- I couldn't even begin to deal with it, so a kind of welcome 'numbness' took over.
But it's not only shock that can bring about this kind of reaction, I have been in other situations where I've been pushed to such a point, my mind opts for this kind of 'peace' rather than allowing emotions too much freedom. I feel it's a kind of fear, a bit like the Greek myth of Pandora's Box, if those feelings escape, I might never be able to put them back again. I am sure many of you have known this very feeling, for example, when someone has done something so hurtful, you can't even begin to find the words which can adequately describe your level of pain and rage. They stand there, looking suitably sheepish and all you can do is stare back at them, for some reason, when you don't immediately accept their apology, they keep talking - explaining the whys and the wherefores- while you continue to try and control the surging mass of emotions which like a stormy sea are crashing against the sides of your mind. A part of you - even if you're not even a slightly violent person normally - wants to just slap them or throw something, but you know, on some subconscious level, if you allow yourself that one moment, you risk not being able to stop. I have found myself even nodding in agreement with someone, as the endless stream of excuses pour from their mouth, until, without my noticing, that numb feeling takes over and then even though I can still see their lips moving, you can't hear them any more.
As I understand it, this is your brain's way of protecting you, which I guess means, we all have limits, which we subconsciously establish, and it's only when we are pushed beyond them, we acknowledge their existence. Unfortunately, for some people, this ability to somehow' switch off' their minds when life is either to painful or too hard, doesn't always occur naturally and so they try and find some other way either through alcohol or drugs...speaking personally, I have no desire to judge them for making that choice although obviously, when it stops being a rare event and becomes an everyday need, I do sincerely hope they find the right help.
While thinking about this, I do wonder if it's entirely healthy to always seek out this numbness rather than venting all your rage, or pain, or hurt or any of those intense emotions. By somehow forcing them all into some kind of mental filing cabinet, should we be mindful, that one day, we will simply explode because there's just no more room in there ? Everything we've buried will shoot up into the air like lava from a volcano...I guess we will just have to wait and see, but if it does happen, let's hope any innocent parties nearby have the good sense to stand well back !
Well, I think that's more than enough from me, so until the next time...
Take care out there xx
So what has got me thinking today ? Well, I think we would all agree, whatever gender you might be, human beings are emotional creatures - even though some try very hard not to show they care about anything at all. Over the years, what I have realised, is there is a definite limit to just how much 'emotion' we can feel, whether it be intense pleasure or pain, inconsolable grief or raging temper..all of them can reach that point where it's as if our body & mind say,
" ENOUGH !"
And we reach a place of feeling nothing at all, a kind of numbness where we can still function throughout our day-to-day lives, but it's as if we are sleep-walking.
I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well, so perhaps an example or two might make what I am trying to explain a little clearer...
Many years ago, my father set off for work as usual, as he always liked to be early for everything, it was still dark. Being a creature of habit, he stopped to buy his morning newspaper before heading off to the railway station. He had barely stepped out of the shop door, when a car swerved off the road and knocked him down, at first, the driver attempted to drive away, but thankfully, the shop owner raced out of the shop and stopped him. The same, wonderfully kind shop owner looked after my father until the emergency services arrived and he was taken to hospital. Later that morning, a police officer appeared at my front door and told me what had happened but assured me my father didn't appear to be badly hurt. Despite his words, I phoned my mother who was at work and raced off to the hospital, where only hours later,a doctor told us, my father has sustained such a severe head injury, it was extremely unlikely he would regain consciousness. When those words were spoken, it was as if every last morsel of oxygen was suddenly drained from that sterile, impersonal room. I glanced at my mother, a woman not known for showing her emotions, I could see she was in total shock. I felt her rock slightly, as if about to faint, so I put my hand on her shoulder and she turned to look at me, she seemed almost surprised to see me there.
"How can this have happened ?" she asked quietly, but I couldn't answer, in fact, I couldn't speak at all, the horror of this whole dreadful event made it impossible for me to do anything. I admired my father so much, for so many reasons and now, in what felt like little more than a few minutes, he was leaving us. I half-expected my mother to cry, scream..do something ! So I waited, but instead, I just watched her try to force down all the emotions which must have been careering around her mind until she seemed almost calm. I know she loved him, they had been married for over 30 years, so I can only assume, the prospect of losing him was just too much to bear and so she somehow switched off those emotions. As for me ? Well, I questioned myself, how could I not be feeling anything ? Was I truly that heartless ? But, of course, I was wrong, the fact was, I was experiencing such a level of shock - like my mother- I couldn't even begin to deal with it, so a kind of welcome 'numbness' took over.
But it's not only shock that can bring about this kind of reaction, I have been in other situations where I've been pushed to such a point, my mind opts for this kind of 'peace' rather than allowing emotions too much freedom. I feel it's a kind of fear, a bit like the Greek myth of Pandora's Box, if those feelings escape, I might never be able to put them back again. I am sure many of you have known this very feeling, for example, when someone has done something so hurtful, you can't even begin to find the words which can adequately describe your level of pain and rage. They stand there, looking suitably sheepish and all you can do is stare back at them, for some reason, when you don't immediately accept their apology, they keep talking - explaining the whys and the wherefores- while you continue to try and control the surging mass of emotions which like a stormy sea are crashing against the sides of your mind. A part of you - even if you're not even a slightly violent person normally - wants to just slap them or throw something, but you know, on some subconscious level, if you allow yourself that one moment, you risk not being able to stop. I have found myself even nodding in agreement with someone, as the endless stream of excuses pour from their mouth, until, without my noticing, that numb feeling takes over and then even though I can still see their lips moving, you can't hear them any more.
 |
| Pandora's Box |
As I understand it, this is your brain's way of protecting you, which I guess means, we all have limits, which we subconsciously establish, and it's only when we are pushed beyond them, we acknowledge their existence. Unfortunately, for some people, this ability to somehow' switch off' their minds when life is either to painful or too hard, doesn't always occur naturally and so they try and find some other way either through alcohol or drugs...speaking personally, I have no desire to judge them for making that choice although obviously, when it stops being a rare event and becomes an everyday need, I do sincerely hope they find the right help.
While thinking about this, I do wonder if it's entirely healthy to always seek out this numbness rather than venting all your rage, or pain, or hurt or any of those intense emotions. By somehow forcing them all into some kind of mental filing cabinet, should we be mindful, that one day, we will simply explode because there's just no more room in there ? Everything we've buried will shoot up into the air like lava from a volcano...I guess we will just have to wait and see, but if it does happen, let's hope any innocent parties nearby have the good sense to stand well back !
Well, I think that's more than enough from me, so until the next time...
Take care out there xx
