Being enough
Hello my friends, another week begins and thankfully, I have time to sit down and write a new post, which considering the ridiculous number of hours I'm currently working does feel like a bit of a miracle. Anyway, I want to write about feeling 'enough' because, I think, too many of us feel we are 'lacking' in some way - even to the point of feeling like a failure and, whichever way you look at it, this is not a healthy way to be. I should say, this post has come from a recent documentary I watched and it got me thinking, as so many things do, about how so many things can make us all feel a certain way about ourselves, including past experiences, the media..the list goes on. But perhaps the single biggest influence, are those closest to us...their approval or disapproval, their positive or negative opinion, shapes us all in some ways and too often drowns out, what should be,the most important voice of all - our own.
In my own life, I know what it feels like to feel you're just not quite good enough, I could write a book really, there have been so many times when I have looked in the mirror and seen, someone else's view of me which never fails to colour my own. Even after attending countless therapy sessions, learning endless allegedly ' effective coping strategies'...this underlying emotion seems to grip on to me with all the tenacity of a dog and a bone.
Anyway,in the documentary I mentioned earlier, couples were discussing their feelings about each other and the various problems existing in their relationships. There was one couple who had been married for 13 years, everything had seemed happy until one fateful evening when the husband announced he had always wanted to be a woman and was now going to proceed with the relevant steps to achieve this aim. He went on to explain he had always known this was the case and felt, as time was marching on, he should do something about it. Understandably, his wife, who clearly had no idea at all he felt this way, was in complete shock ! Interestingly, it wasn't the concept of being transgender, she struggled with, but the fact, she felt, her whole marriage had been nothing more than an elaborate lie. She talked about the romantic weekends they'd spent together and suddenly she felt all the intimacy they had shared, which had meant so much to her, was really him faking the whole time. Almost instantly, she came to the conclusion, she had never been enough for him sexually, because if she had, he might not be considering abandoning his life as a man. Sadly, he seemed to caught up in becoming his new female persona, he didn't acknowledge just how much his wife was hurting - in fact, his primary concern was how she needed to accept this new way of being married as he had 'never felt more free.'
Now the rights and wrongs of this marriage are for the couple themselves to decide, but it did make me think how painful it is, to feel you're not enough for someone in the most intimate way. I know of many women who participate in sexual behaviours to 'please' their partner, as they're fearful, if they don't, he or she will find someone else who is far more eager to be adventurous. When I hear them talk, I wonder about their partners because it does strike me as if they're not acknowledging sex has to be a mutually satisfying activity, and not just about the pleasure of one person. I think we can all agree, being intimate with someone, makes you vulnerable, you are quite literally laid bare in front of another person and perhaps especially sensitive to any perceived criticism ( whether real or imagined). How many of us have looked in the mirror and seen only our 'faults' and then are filled with dismay, when it becomes apparent someone else is going to see them too ? I know I have.
I do feel it's situations like these, when past experiences come back to haunt you, after all, if you've been cheated on, it would be hard to escape the thought, your ex-partner only sought out other people because you were unable to satisfy them at home. I know this is an excuse used by many a cheat - alongside, 'you don't have time for me any more, 'you only care about the kids', 'you were always too tired' amongst others - my personal 'favourite' being ' I have needs, you know.' But what about their partner's needs ? And quite often, they would have been pretty easy to satisfy...to be told you're gorgeous, to be held close, to be listened too and perhaps even being made to feel, nobody else could possibly turn them on more than you. We all know, there is nothing sexier, than feeling you are affecting someone you love, you see it in their eyes, the way they move and how quickly they find a reason to be close to you.
Now I am not saying, there's no room for new approaches to intimacy within a relationship, but they have to be things both people are truly comfortable doing otherwise, what's the point ? All that will happen is one person feels vaguely ridiculous in something they've been asked to wear, or feels intensely uncomfortable doing something which feels almost alien to them - hardly the recipe for deeply-satisfying sex. Although that might sound as if I am making light of the situation, I can assure you, the total opposite is the truth. The after effects of such a disastrous experience can last, because it's too easy to feel you've failed, that there's something 'wrong' with you..after all, if the media is to be believed, everyone else is having amazing sex, all the time, dressed in every possible kind of outfit. Yet here you are, seeing the disappointment in your partner's eyes and wanting to retreat to the bathroom and never come out ! You feel, you're not enough and it's a crushing emotion.
So what's the answer ? Well, I guess, it's all a part of building self-esteem, to be able to look in that mirror and see what's truly wonderful....but perhaps most importantly, finding your voice and finding the courage to walk away from someone who doesn't want you, exactly as you are - because, hard as it might be to believe, we are beautiful....until next time....
Take care out there xxx
In my own life, I know what it feels like to feel you're just not quite good enough, I could write a book really, there have been so many times when I have looked in the mirror and seen, someone else's view of me which never fails to colour my own. Even after attending countless therapy sessions, learning endless allegedly ' effective coping strategies'...this underlying emotion seems to grip on to me with all the tenacity of a dog and a bone.
Anyway,in the documentary I mentioned earlier, couples were discussing their feelings about each other and the various problems existing in their relationships. There was one couple who had been married for 13 years, everything had seemed happy until one fateful evening when the husband announced he had always wanted to be a woman and was now going to proceed with the relevant steps to achieve this aim. He went on to explain he had always known this was the case and felt, as time was marching on, he should do something about it. Understandably, his wife, who clearly had no idea at all he felt this way, was in complete shock ! Interestingly, it wasn't the concept of being transgender, she struggled with, but the fact, she felt, her whole marriage had been nothing more than an elaborate lie. She talked about the romantic weekends they'd spent together and suddenly she felt all the intimacy they had shared, which had meant so much to her, was really him faking the whole time. Almost instantly, she came to the conclusion, she had never been enough for him sexually, because if she had, he might not be considering abandoning his life as a man. Sadly, he seemed to caught up in becoming his new female persona, he didn't acknowledge just how much his wife was hurting - in fact, his primary concern was how she needed to accept this new way of being married as he had 'never felt more free.'
Now the rights and wrongs of this marriage are for the couple themselves to decide, but it did make me think how painful it is, to feel you're not enough for someone in the most intimate way. I know of many women who participate in sexual behaviours to 'please' their partner, as they're fearful, if they don't, he or she will find someone else who is far more eager to be adventurous. When I hear them talk, I wonder about their partners because it does strike me as if they're not acknowledging sex has to be a mutually satisfying activity, and not just about the pleasure of one person. I think we can all agree, being intimate with someone, makes you vulnerable, you are quite literally laid bare in front of another person and perhaps especially sensitive to any perceived criticism ( whether real or imagined). How many of us have looked in the mirror and seen only our 'faults' and then are filled with dismay, when it becomes apparent someone else is going to see them too ? I know I have.
I do feel it's situations like these, when past experiences come back to haunt you, after all, if you've been cheated on, it would be hard to escape the thought, your ex-partner only sought out other people because you were unable to satisfy them at home. I know this is an excuse used by many a cheat - alongside, 'you don't have time for me any more, 'you only care about the kids', 'you were always too tired' amongst others - my personal 'favourite' being ' I have needs, you know.' But what about their partner's needs ? And quite often, they would have been pretty easy to satisfy...to be told you're gorgeous, to be held close, to be listened too and perhaps even being made to feel, nobody else could possibly turn them on more than you. We all know, there is nothing sexier, than feeling you are affecting someone you love, you see it in their eyes, the way they move and how quickly they find a reason to be close to you.
Now I am not saying, there's no room for new approaches to intimacy within a relationship, but they have to be things both people are truly comfortable doing otherwise, what's the point ? All that will happen is one person feels vaguely ridiculous in something they've been asked to wear, or feels intensely uncomfortable doing something which feels almost alien to them - hardly the recipe for deeply-satisfying sex. Although that might sound as if I am making light of the situation, I can assure you, the total opposite is the truth. The after effects of such a disastrous experience can last, because it's too easy to feel you've failed, that there's something 'wrong' with you..after all, if the media is to be believed, everyone else is having amazing sex, all the time, dressed in every possible kind of outfit. Yet here you are, seeing the disappointment in your partner's eyes and wanting to retreat to the bathroom and never come out ! You feel, you're not enough and it's a crushing emotion.
So what's the answer ? Well, I guess, it's all a part of building self-esteem, to be able to look in that mirror and see what's truly wonderful....but perhaps most importantly, finding your voice and finding the courage to walk away from someone who doesn't want you, exactly as you are - because, hard as it might be to believe, we are beautiful....until next time....
Take care out there xxx
