Mind Matters
Hello, my friends, you find me in a real mix of emotions this evening..something I'm sure many of you know all about..so I'm warning you now, this is going to perhaps be quite hard to follow, mainly because I don't really know what I need to say, so I'm just going to type and see what happens, I hope that's okay with you. If you don't feel quite in the mood to stay with me, that's fine, I do understand...because perhaps if you've read this blog for long enough, the post after this one might be more to your taste and that's like life really, isn't it ? Some parts are easier to digest than others. I'm often asked why I write this blog at all, so if you have ever wondered, my motivation is simple, this is a place for my voice and that's the only way to describe why I sit and type..to 'say out loud' all those thoughts and feelings which wouldn't see the light of day under any other circumstances. Anyway, with that said..the rambling begins...
I'll begin with a question, have you ever looked around and wondered what you're doing in the life you're leading ? Regular readers will know, my life now is not of my choosing, it's full to the brim with doing what I 'need' to do, 'should' do and 'have' to do...and the truth is, I am tired of living this way because it has gone on for so long now. I seem to spend so much time 'not minding' - it's freaking ridiculous ! I feel my head nodding when someone asks me to do something which I know I have absolutely no desire to do at all ! I hear my voice saying things like, 'Of course I don't mind, you do whatever you need to do,' or 'I can always do my thing another time'...and when those words come tumbling out of my mouth, inside my head, I am screaming, 'YES I DO MIND, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT KNOW THAT ???!' and, 'WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO COME SECOND ?'
Now the logical part of my brain, ( yes there is one, I assure you), tells me, people don't know they've messed up or hurt your feelings, if you don't tell them. Naturally, the more out of control side of that same brain, yells back, ' WHAT DO THEY NEED ? A SIGN ?'
Aside from this internal struggle, I'm finding life feels like some godawful survival show...I can almost hear a voiceover contemplating how I am going to get out of this latest mess, where will I find the money for that bill etc etc Sadly, in those shows, there's always an end to the struggle, the helicopter appears on the horizon and airlifts the survivors off the island and back to civilisation - mine has yet to appear.
I know I sound whiny, frustrated and dissatisfied - that's because I am all of those things but beyond those feelings...there's such a deep sadness in me which, however hard I try, rarely seems to be far away. That's not to say, I've never known happiness..I have...I've known moments of pure joy, ( and yes I know that's a well worn phrase, but it happens to be true in this case). But I have paid for them dearly, or, at least, it feels as if I have and maybe it's that sense of some kind of injustice which is my real problem. I don't think I'm alone in thinking, life is reportedly about balance...but too often, it feels as if the scales of negative invariably outweigh those positive times.
And do you know the worst part ? I know - without question - it's my own fault ! My almost overwhelming need to avoid confrontation has meant me silencing my own voice so often over the years, I struggle to even remember what it sounds like - thankfully, this blog - for all its obvious failings - does play a small part in keeping it alive.
So tomorrow I will get up ridiculously early, to do a long shift at a job, I have no real interest in or passion for...and you know something ? Despite having questioned myself for several hours, I have no idea why I'm going at all - aside from the financial benefits. Like most of you, I need to work to keep the roof over my head and so the fact it offers no kind of personal satisfaction doesn't matter at all, when compared to what would happen if I just quit. And right there is part of the problem...hours, days, weeks and months drag on with nothing to show for them, but some paid bills and food in the cupboards...it's just not enough.. I know it should be, but it really isn't..not for me and not for many other people.
As this whole time this drags on, with senior staff making even more demands on my time and attention, I hear myself saying, ' No, that's fine, of course I'll do more', when every fibre of my being is saying, 'Just say NO.'
It's funny, isn't it ? We all start the new year, sure this time will be different, but here I am, barely a few weeks into 2019 and I'm not living at all, I'm surviving and that fact is slowly eating away at me, which, in turn, allows that sadness I mentioned earlier, to spread further.
My friends, I am so tired, I feel like I have almost drained the well of energy inside me...the desire to just lie down and say, no more...there's nothing left...grows more intense ever day. Some of those around me do try to lift my spirits and I appreciate their efforts so much, but ultimately, the responsibility for my life ends with me. I am hoping this low mood will pass, I try so hard to see what's good, to see what's been achieved...and what's still possible if I can just get through the next week, or day or even the next hour.
Maybe that's also why I write this blog...it helps me try and make sense of it all, because when I have to try and organise my thoughts into sentences, perhaps that helps them clearer, who knows ? As I'm writing this, I can see out of the window, its dark now and there are house and streetlights dotted across the view..I can't help but wonder, behind some of those front doors, is there someone staring aimlessly out of their window, wishing they were anywhere but where they are ? There has to be, doesn't there ? Not that I want anyone else to feel this disconnected and weary, but it would be a small comfort to know, perhaps I am not the only one who doesn't know what the hell they're doing for most of the time.
Finally, the expression is, 'life is for living'...there's no mention of survival within that phrase...my friends, I think what it all comes down too..is I am not living for most of the time..oh I'm here, I'm doing what needs to be done, but that's not really living, is it ? To live, I think, means taking back control, means speaking out instead of saying nothing and most importantly, making more effort to be there for yourself...to listen to your own voice and not allow it to be drowned out and lost...
Reading back over this, I can see, it might not make any sense at all and for that, I'm truly sorry...but I never promised it would...maybe next time will be better...until then...as always...
Take care out there xx
I'll begin with a question, have you ever looked around and wondered what you're doing in the life you're leading ? Regular readers will know, my life now is not of my choosing, it's full to the brim with doing what I 'need' to do, 'should' do and 'have' to do...and the truth is, I am tired of living this way because it has gone on for so long now. I seem to spend so much time 'not minding' - it's freaking ridiculous ! I feel my head nodding when someone asks me to do something which I know I have absolutely no desire to do at all ! I hear my voice saying things like, 'Of course I don't mind, you do whatever you need to do,' or 'I can always do my thing another time'...and when those words come tumbling out of my mouth, inside my head, I am screaming, 'YES I DO MIND, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT KNOW THAT ???!' and, 'WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO COME SECOND ?'
Now the logical part of my brain, ( yes there is one, I assure you), tells me, people don't know they've messed up or hurt your feelings, if you don't tell them. Naturally, the more out of control side of that same brain, yells back, ' WHAT DO THEY NEED ? A SIGN ?'
Aside from this internal struggle, I'm finding life feels like some godawful survival show...I can almost hear a voiceover contemplating how I am going to get out of this latest mess, where will I find the money for that bill etc etc Sadly, in those shows, there's always an end to the struggle, the helicopter appears on the horizon and airlifts the survivors off the island and back to civilisation - mine has yet to appear.
I know I sound whiny, frustrated and dissatisfied - that's because I am all of those things but beyond those feelings...there's such a deep sadness in me which, however hard I try, rarely seems to be far away. That's not to say, I've never known happiness..I have...I've known moments of pure joy, ( and yes I know that's a well worn phrase, but it happens to be true in this case). But I have paid for them dearly, or, at least, it feels as if I have and maybe it's that sense of some kind of injustice which is my real problem. I don't think I'm alone in thinking, life is reportedly about balance...but too often, it feels as if the scales of negative invariably outweigh those positive times.
And do you know the worst part ? I know - without question - it's my own fault ! My almost overwhelming need to avoid confrontation has meant me silencing my own voice so often over the years, I struggle to even remember what it sounds like - thankfully, this blog - for all its obvious failings - does play a small part in keeping it alive.
So tomorrow I will get up ridiculously early, to do a long shift at a job, I have no real interest in or passion for...and you know something ? Despite having questioned myself for several hours, I have no idea why I'm going at all - aside from the financial benefits. Like most of you, I need to work to keep the roof over my head and so the fact it offers no kind of personal satisfaction doesn't matter at all, when compared to what would happen if I just quit. And right there is part of the problem...hours, days, weeks and months drag on with nothing to show for them, but some paid bills and food in the cupboards...it's just not enough.. I know it should be, but it really isn't..not for me and not for many other people.
As this whole time this drags on, with senior staff making even more demands on my time and attention, I hear myself saying, ' No, that's fine, of course I'll do more', when every fibre of my being is saying, 'Just say NO.'
It's funny, isn't it ? We all start the new year, sure this time will be different, but here I am, barely a few weeks into 2019 and I'm not living at all, I'm surviving and that fact is slowly eating away at me, which, in turn, allows that sadness I mentioned earlier, to spread further.
My friends, I am so tired, I feel like I have almost drained the well of energy inside me...the desire to just lie down and say, no more...there's nothing left...grows more intense ever day. Some of those around me do try to lift my spirits and I appreciate their efforts so much, but ultimately, the responsibility for my life ends with me. I am hoping this low mood will pass, I try so hard to see what's good, to see what's been achieved...and what's still possible if I can just get through the next week, or day or even the next hour.
Maybe that's also why I write this blog...it helps me try and make sense of it all, because when I have to try and organise my thoughts into sentences, perhaps that helps them clearer, who knows ? As I'm writing this, I can see out of the window, its dark now and there are house and streetlights dotted across the view..I can't help but wonder, behind some of those front doors, is there someone staring aimlessly out of their window, wishing they were anywhere but where they are ? There has to be, doesn't there ? Not that I want anyone else to feel this disconnected and weary, but it would be a small comfort to know, perhaps I am not the only one who doesn't know what the hell they're doing for most of the time.
Finally, the expression is, 'life is for living'...there's no mention of survival within that phrase...my friends, I think what it all comes down too..is I am not living for most of the time..oh I'm here, I'm doing what needs to be done, but that's not really living, is it ? To live, I think, means taking back control, means speaking out instead of saying nothing and most importantly, making more effort to be there for yourself...to listen to your own voice and not allow it to be drowned out and lost...
Reading back over this, I can see, it might not make any sense at all and for that, I'm truly sorry...but I never promised it would...maybe next time will be better...until then...as always...
Take care out there xx
